
The Adoption Process: 12 Things Every Birth Mom Should Know

Katherine Howard
11/6/2024
Around 20,000 infants are voluntarily placed for adoption each year in the United States.1 If you had told me ten years ago that my daughter would be a part of that number and that I would be a birth mom, I wouldn’t have believed you.
In 2013, at the age of seventeen, I placed my daughter for adoption after an unexpected pregnancy. As a high school student, I felt scared, lost, and confused. But I knew I was not at a place in my life to raise a child. How could I without a high school diploma or a job?
I struggled with what options to consider. Although I was familiar with the concept of adoption, I never dreamed it would one day be something I would need to seriously consider. Even more so, I had no idea how to place a baby for adoption, much less how to know if it was the right option for me.
I ultimately chose adoption for my daughter, and in the eight years since, I’ve learned a lot about the adoption process for birth mothers.
If you’re facing an unexpected pregnancy and are curious about adoption after birth, you’re in the right place. I know you’re facing many choices and a lot of emotions right now. I hope my unexpected pregnancy story and experience with infant adoption will provide insight and answer your questions, so you can gain clarity and discover if adoption is the right fit for you.
Here are 12 things you should know if you’re interested in learning how to place a baby for adoption.
1. You should take your time deciding if adoption is right for you.
When faced with an unexpected pregnancy, feeling overwhelmed and unsure of the right choice for you and your baby is expected. Looking into adoption does not mean it will ultimately be the right option for you.
I felt so overwhelmed when I first found out I was pregnant. I remember thinking that if I could just come up with a plan, my life would feel less chaotic. I decided on adoption within the first week of knowing I was pregnant because I desperately wanted to feel more in control of my life.
I did not consider that taking more time would allow me to adjust to my changing hormones, process my many emotions, and get advice from other women who had been in my position. Because I rushed my decision, I ended up feeling unsure about my choice towards the end of my pregnancy. I know what it is like to feel desperate for a plan, but you can make a great plan while also giving yourself the time you need to make an informed decision.
2. You have a choice between an adoption attorney or an adoption agency.
Adoption agencies are a wonderful tool if you’re considering placing your child for adoption, but you can also pursue an independent adoption through an adoption attorney. What’s the difference?
An adoption agency will provide you with a list of prospective adoptive families and background information on each family. These agencies tend to offer a more holistic range of services to help you through the whole process, from adoption counseling to information on the legal process from an adoption professional.2
I ended up working with an adoption attorney. My daughter was adopted through an independent adoption because I was connected with her adoptive family through a friend and did not require the assistance an agency offered. While this took care of the legal aspects of adoption, it lacked the adoption services and counseling that I would have received with an agency.
3. You can pursue an Open or a Closed Adoption.
While you may not know yet what type of relationship you would ideally want with your child after placing for adoption, you have options!
An open adoption allows for contact between you and your child even after the adoption papers are signed. While this is dependent on what the adoptive family is most comfortable with, many adoptive families see open adoption as a great choice for everyone involved.
Closed adoptions do not allow for contact between the child and birth parents until the child is 18 years old and can access the legal records.3 While this type of adoption is less common today, you as the birth mother have the right to limit the contact you have with your child and the adoptive family at any point in an open adoption if that is what is best for you. Your needs as the birth mother are just as important as your child’s needs.
If you do not know which type of adoption is right for you, talk to other birth moms about their experiences and how they came to a decision.
4. You can talk to other Birth Moms.
Hearing the story of another birth mom is powerful. You can ask questions that only they have the experience to answer. Even though I read plenty of blogs and books by birth moms, I wish I had connected with another birth mom or joined support groups while in the process of making an adoption plan.
It can be profoundly encouraging and empowering to hear firsthand accounts of other women who have been in a similar position as you and to see how their lives have been transformed through infant adoption.
If you’re interested in talking to a real birth mom, send me an email here. I’d love to be a listening ear and answer any questions you might have.
5. You can ask a prospective adoptive family anything.
I didn’t want to seem overly invasive the first time I met with a prospective adoptive family, but I also knew that certain questions had to be asked for me to feel comfortable moving forward with them. I apologized frequently for the questions I asked, because I felt like I had no right asking them questions about their lives when my life felt like the one that was falling apart.
I wish someone had told me that as a birth mom, I had the right to ask whatever questions I felt necessary. Just because you are in an unexpected situation does not mean that your questions and concerns are any less valid. So, don’t apologize for any questions you ask. The right adoptive family will not shy away from personal questions. Your role is to advocate for yourself, your baby, and your baby’s future.
6. It’s okay to tell a prospective adoptive family “no.”
If you feel uncomfortable with a family you’re interviewing or a family that approaches you, it’s okay to tell them that you do not believe it is the right fit for you and your baby. Going into the adoption process, I knew that I wanted a family for my baby who would love her unconditionally, no matter her gender or her needs.
When several families approached me saying that they would be interested in adopting if my baby was a specific gender, I knew immediately that I was uncomfortable with their adoption philosophy. I don't think these families meant to sound so insensitive, but sadly, many families forget that they're not just adopting a baby, but a child with a family of origin and a birthmother who has feelings that matter, too.
Telling these prospective families “no” allowed all of us to move forward quickly without creating false hope.
7. Just because you’ve talked with a prospective adoptive family does not mean you have to choose adoption.
I was fortunate to find a wonderful family to adopt my daughter early on in my unexpected pregnancy journey. I spent many hours getting to know them over coffee, and frequently gave them pregnancy updates after visits to the doctor. They were even the first people to know I was pregnant with a girl.
By the time my daughter was born, I felt incredibly bonded with this family. They gave me support when I needed it most. They felt like more than just a solution to my pregnancy—they felt like family. I was surprised by this at the time, but looking back I realize that when you let someone into the most vulnerable parts of your life, you open your heart to a deep connection.
When my daughter was born, however, I started to second guess my adoption decision. But I worried about hurting the family that walked through my pregnancy with me and loved me and my daughter unconditionally. I worried that if I changed my mind, I would be taking their child away from them.
I wish someone had told me to set those worries aside. My only concern should have been the wellbeing of my baby and myself. So I’ll say this to you now—your responsibility as the mother of your child is to make a decision that is best for you and your baby.
8. Give yourself the time you need with your baby after delivery.
When my daughter was born, I was unprepared for the extreme emotions I experienced. Looking back, I now realize that this was partially due to the physical toll of giving birth.
I was so unprepared for the hormonal rebound of birth that when packing my bag for the hospital, I included several books and movies, thinking I would not be interested in spending time with my daughter. I had not felt the same mother-baby bond so many women describe during pregnancy. Looking back, I now realize this disconnection with my daughter was a normal response, because I was still processing the trauma of my unexpected pregnancy.
At the hospital, my daughter’s adoptive family was given a room in the hospital, too. This can be a great option for having a prospective adoptive family around without much intrusion in your private room! Although her adoptive family knew I could not legally sign the adoption papers until 48 hours after she was born (this time varies from state to state, but most states require a wait time of 48-72 hours),4 they were so excited to spend time with their future daughter.
I had initially told them they could spend as much time with her as they wanted. In retrospect, I wish I communicated ahead of time that I would need to wait until after her delivery to decide how much time I needed with her. I wanted time alone with her, and that was okay.
9. You are legally allowed to change your mind after your baby is born.
Although I had an adoption plan in place before my daughter was born, it took me three months to sign the official adoption papers. My daughter went home with her adoptive family under a provisional adoption plan, and I only saw her once during this time.
While this was a challenging time for everyone involved, the extra time allowed me to process my feelings postpartum and make a decision that was not rushed or forced. I had the biological instinct to be a mother, and I needed time to process what I was feeling and compare it to the reality of my situation. This was the most difficult part of my adoption experience, and I wish someone had prepared me for it.
10. Your life will feel normal again.
Rest assured, your life will return to normal with time. When I was hit with the trauma of an unexpected pregnancy and the decision of what to do, I felt like my life would never feel normal again. No matter what choice I made, I knew I would have to live with the outcome.
When I chose adoption, I initially worried that I would always feel like a part of my life was missing. To a certain extent, I was right. My life didn’t feel normal at first. I had chosen something that none of my friends or family members had experienced. I had no one in my life who could relate to my experience.
Over time, however, I came to realize that my life was more than that short season of unplanned pregnancy. Today I am a grad student, a preschool teacher, and a violin instructor. An unexpected pregnancy will always be a part of my life story, but that is only one small part.
11. People may judge you, but only for a season.
I will never forget the moment someone walked up to my mother and said, “I know about the baby.” There was no empathy in her voice. No tone of concern. Just judgment in her voice.
Her words stung. Everyone knew my life was not together. I was the woman who had an unplanned pregnancy. I was a statistic.
What’s more, everyone had an opinion on what I should do with my pregnancy. Some of the opinions came from a place of love and others came from a place of contempt. But they all came with a tone of judgment, which ignited in me a fear that the judgment would never go away.
That was eight years ago now. I sometimes see the woman who said she knew about “the baby.” I am not sure she even remembers saying it now. Her life has moved on, just as mine has. Everyone who had an opinion on how I should handle my unexpected pregnancy has moved on to new problems too. In fact, no one has mentioned my choice of adoption in years.
The judgment I feared would never go away has been replaced with my own sense of confidence in the choice I made and the path I’m creating for myself. No matter what anyone thought back then, I know I made a wise decision by making a plan that was best for me and my baby.
12. You can have a good relationship with your child post placement.
Although this depends in large part on your child’s adoptive family, it is possible to have a good relationship with your child post placement. Every adoption process is unique. There will be unexpected challenges throughout the process. You will be challenged, but you will also be amazed at the joy that comes with the challenges.
Is adoption the right choice?
If I could have peeked into my future when I was going through the adoption process, I would have seen a joy I could never have imagined. Eight years later, I now have a beautiful daughter and she has a family who adores her. She is a little sister to one sibling and a big sister to two others. All of her siblings are also adopted. Not only do I get to watch my daughter grow up, but I also get to know that I had an invaluable role in her life from the very beginning.
If you’re thinking about adoption as a path for your unexpected pregnancy, there are a lot of factors to think about. Adoption was the best choice for me and my daughter. However, only you can decide whether adoption is the right choice for you and your baby. We at She Might are here to support you through your journey!
Sources:
1. Adoption By The Numbers© 2022 National Council for Adoption accessed 11/15/2024. https://adoptioncouncil.org/research/adoption-by-the-numbers/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA0fu5BhDQARIsAMXUBOJgz_TAw4rvoL_ioM9UZcAJSZLIixS5QZ2pY_tvsB08Kc71pLOs9L4aAs1wEALw_wcB
2. AdoptMatch. Accessed November 21, 2024. https://www.adoptmatch.com/pregnant-start-here
3. American Adoptions. 2021. “What is a Closed Adoption?” American Adoptions. https://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/closed-adoption
4. AdoptMatch. Accessed 21 November 2024. https://www.adoptmatch.com/giving-baby-up-for-adoption?__hstc=229453891.7b1a5dbee1e8c7e1946f505be7c98ea5.1718834327539.1732223265707.1732223598870.6&__hssc=229453891.2.1732223598870&__hsfp=897878061&hsutk=7b1a5dbee1e8c7e1946f505be7c98ea5&contentType=standard-page