How to Break the News of Unexpected Pregnancy: A Guide

Andrea Voron

5/15/2025

You’d think your first wave of anxiety after a positive pregnancy test would come from practical challenges–like questions about prenatal care or professional concerns.

But instead, your mind keeps wandering to your partner or your parents or your boss. You wonder how they’ll react to the big news. You wonder what they’ll think of you.

Even if you’re fully independent, your relationships still matter. Which means you want to be intentional about how you share the news with those who matter most.

This conversation is important. It could mean the difference between support or a relationship broken by mistrust and distance.

What’s more, once you get through their initial reactions, it’s important to set expectations for their roles moving forward.

To help you navigate the situation, here’s a step-by-step guide all about how to break the news of unexpected pregnancy.

Unexpected pregnancy in the United States

Before you break the news, here’s some perspective from family planning-related public health statistics.

• Unexpected pregnancy is common. Nearly half (45%, or 2.8 million) of pregnancies are unexpected. It can happen to anyone, and it occurs among all populations of women, inclusive of every socioeconomic status, level of education, and ethnicity.
• Most women use contraceptives. 65% of women between the ages of 15-49 in the U.S. use some contraceptive method to prevent pregnancy from 2017-2019. Unexpected pregnancy happens to women on birth control too.
• There are 2.7M mothers in higher education. Pregnancy happens to high-achieving, educated women with both pregnancy intentions (planned and unplanned). It’s life altering, but not future-defining.

The fact remains: you are far from the first person to navigate an unintended pregnancy, and you won’t be the last.

The benefits of breaking the news

Breaking the news of an unexpected pregnancy isn’t easy or straightforward, but the benefits are worth emotional preparation. These are just a few:

• You control the conversation—you’re in charge of the time, place, words, and circumstances of the conversation.
• You witness their reaction upfront—cut out the guesswork and give yourself the ability to deal with their reaction honestly and face to face.
• You own your circumstances—by sharing the news, you show ownership of your own circumstances and what it means for your future.
• You build trust—your honesty with this person instills trust that reinforces your relationship.
• You’re confident, not defensive—come into the conversation prepared to deal with their questions head-on.
• You decide who you bring onto your team—back yourself with people you can trust moving forward.

Examples of women who broke the news

Telling her partner: Elisa’s story

“We met somewhere outdoors. I remember he was sitting in front of me when I told him I was pregnant and going to have an abortion. He didn’t freak out, which actually surprised me.

Even though it was one of the most challenging experiences of my life, it was one of the most rewarding. Becoming a mother gave me a focus and drive I didn't know I had in me. My son made me a better version of myself.

I had a lot more support than I gave people credit for. My family and friends stepped up in a big way and validated my decision to carry to term and parent.”

Telling her parents: Yasmeen’s story

“When I found out I was pregnant at 20 years old, I was a third year college student. I had a full-time job and was financially independent. But I let fear and shame consume me.

I hid my pregnancy from loved ones, including my dad, for six months. I probably would’ve hidden my pregnancy from my mom, too, had I not been living with her at the time.

I told my mom about my pregnancy after a rough day. At the time, I felt like I just needed parental support.

It was late at night, and she definitely was not prepared for the weight of the news I was about to share. I was met with tears, rage, regret, and grief. I was defensive and accusatory.

While the first few weeks after breaking the news to my mom were rough, she eventually became my biggest supporter. My dad eventually offered his support too, but other members of my immediate family didn’t share the same sentiment.

Nearly six years after discovering the news of my pregnancy—and, now, with five years of parenting expertise under my belt— I’d tell a younger me to believe in herself just a bit more. I’d encourage her to feel empowered to have these conversations. To have agency over her life and pregnancy decisions.”

How to break the news in 4 steps

You know the benefits, you’ve read the stories, and now you’re ready to prepare for the conversation. Let’s break down breaking the news.

Step 1: Process your emotions toward the pregnancy.

Before you approach anyone with your news, it’s important to figure out how you feel towards your pregnancy. Take some time to really process your emotions.

You might feel numb, overwhelmed, excited, confused, or a combination of these emotions. Whatever the case, consider doing a “brain dump.” Grab a piece of paper or open the Notes app on your phone to jot down whatever comes to mind.

As you write down your thoughts, don’t judge yourself or pretend that any of your feelings don’t exist. Any level of self-awareness demands honesty.

Now look back over your notes. Even though your scribbles may not tell you exactly what to do, they will give you a new level of clarity about your mental and emotional health as you process your pregnancy and everything that comes with it.

Step 2: Schedule a time to talk.

Determining the “right” time and place to talk is important.

Choose a time and place.

Try to schedule your conversation when neither of you will feel rushed or distracted. Whether this person is your boss or your partner, you’ll want this individual’s full attention when you break the news.

Pick a location that’s comfortable and safe. Whether that’s a public location like your favorite coffee shop or a private spot like your patio, make sure you pick a place where you can speak freely about your feelings.

If you’re afraid of an overly emotional reaction, consider breaking the news in a public location.

Break the news in person.

It’s a good idea to break the news face-to-face. This way you can read each other’s reactions clearly, and leave no room for misunderstanding.

If you live in a separate state and breaking the news in person isn’t practical, sharing over the phone or via FaceTime is the next best thing. However, it’s almost never a good idea to share sensitive news like this over text.

If you don’t feel safe, bring a friend.

You may want to tell someone that matters to you, but your relationship may not be in a healthy place. If you don’t feel safe telling someone alone, consider bringing a friend you trust. If emotions run high, you’ll be glad you brought the extra support.

Step 3: Anticipate an emotional reaction.

In an ideal situation, everyone will be calm. But it may be wise to brace yourself for an emotional reaction. It could be mixed with grief, regret, fear, or even anger.

They may insist you take another test to prove pregnancy occurred. They may berate you with questions about your circumstances or future. They may even say hurtful things.

Whatever their response, keep in mind that their knee-jerk reaction isn’t likely an attack on your character or person.

What’s more, their immediate and intense emotions may not reflect their feelings towards this pregnancy long-term. It’s all too common to say things you don’t mean when emotions run high, especially when you care about someone.

So lead with compassion and give them the benefit of the doubt. They may need more time to digest the news. After all, this was unexpected news for you, so it will probably be unexpected for them as well.

Step 4: Prepare an exit plan.

Hopefully, your conversation ends with a hug and plans for future support. Unfortunately, your conversation may swell to conflict and an exchange of hurtful words.

If the conversation is growing too heated or overwhelming, make plans to talk again later when everyone has had time to process the news and calm down. Keep reading for some statements you can use to navigate your conversation.

6 practical statements for the conversation

Starting the conversation

Finding a way to start the conversation can feel impossible. For most of us, there is no natural way to bring up an unplanned pregnancy, so it’s a good idea to use a straightforward and honest approach. Try for a compassionate and empathetic tone:

• “I realize this might be difficult to process, but I’m pregnant and I want you to be the first to know.”
• “You can imagine how difficult it is to share this news with you, but I am pregnant and would really love your support.”

During the conversation

As the conversation builds, you may need to redirect or break the tension. Statements that express your needs and yet still show understanding and empathy to the person receiving your news can be helpful.

“I realize you probably have a lot of questions, and that’s reasonable. But I’m not ready to talk about them yet. Can we revisit those later?”

“I would appreciate your listening ear and judgement-free presence here.”

Closing the conversation

If the conversation grows harmful or hostile, you need to make a judgment call. Will continuing this conversation lead to positive outcomes (like clarity, unity, or understanding)?

If the answer is “no,” you may need to close the conversation. It may feel abrupt or unnatural, but if you can spare yourself and your loved one an unhelpful exchange, it’ll be worth it.

“I realize this is difficult news to digest, so I’m going to step out. I’m ready to talk when you are, just let me know.”

“I know you don’t mean any harm, but I feel like you’re not hearing me right now. Let’s reconvene when we’re both ready.”

Involving others in your decision-making process.

When you break the news of your pregnancy to family and friends, they'll want to know what you have decided to do. They’ll probably have strong opinions to share too.

That said, if you’re considering engaging their input, there are good and not-so-good things about involving multiple people in this decision.

The pros and cons of involving multiple perspectives

If you haven’t decided how to move forward yet, choose whether or not you want to consider multiple perspectives. As with any major decision, it can be helpful to ask for the insight of people you trust.

Here are a few questions to think through:

Is there someone you’d like to process your decision with?

• Is there someone you’d like to process your decision with?

Is your relationship with them healthy?

• Is your relationship with them healthy?

• Does this person genuinely desire your good?

Does this person genuinely desire your good?

• Could you benefit from their perspective as you problem solve, emotionally process, and plan?

Could you benefit from their perspective as you problem solve, emotionally process, and plan?

If you can make their involvement a positive force in your decision making, determine what specific kind of support you’d like to receive from them. Express this expectation when you break the news, if the conversation allows it.

Of course, people can be unpredictable. Here are a few pros and cons of involving them in your decision making process:

Pros

• A sounding board to process your thoughts
• A source of advice, wisdom, and lived experience
• A source of mental and emotional support
• A source of physical or financial support

Cons

• A source of condemnation or unhelpful assumptions
• A source of bad advice
• A source of negative pressure
• A source of additional mental and emotional anxiety

But first, listen to what they have to say. Research the paths available to you. Weigh your goals and motives. You can consider multiple perspectives and still remain true to your own desires and identity.

It’s your decision.

Legally, the ball’s in your court when it comes to the future of your pregnancy. That means no one can pressure you into an outcome.

With that in mind, consider asking for the insight, support, and experience of people you trust. It’s a valuable resource you can wield to the benefit of your future and the future of your pregnancy.

Challenge yourself to face your emotions, ask hard questions, and invite others in. Involving multiple perspectives—positive AND negative—means adding more to consider in the process. But the more you think through this decision now, the more confidently you’ll be able to step into your future later.

Your mind, your heart, and your community can be powerful tools. Use them.

Conclusion

If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed right now, that’s okay. Breaking the news about an unplanned pregnancy is no easy task. You have to navigate important relationships and think through complicated emotions. Then determine the degree to which you want people involved in your pregnancy.

It’s no secret that even with careful planning, you can’t perfectly control your conversations. People will react in unexpected ways. You simply don’t have control over their reactions—for better or for worse.

But you do have control over your actions and approach. By breaking the news, you’re giving your relationships the greatest chance for success and trust in the long-term. Your intentionality, self-awareness, and honesty will only mean good outcomes for you and your pregnancy.

Now that you have the tools and information, it’s time to pick up your phone and set the time and place for your first conversation—there’s a community waiting to have your back. Invite them in.