This piece discusses suicide and suicidal thoughts. Please be kind to yourself and consider if you should continue reading. If you or someone you know is experiencing thought of suicide, please contact 988
This is written to the woman who has put her children to bed after a hard day and thought, “I don't want to live anymore.” This is to the woman who is depressed and feels like a bad mom. This is to the woman struggling with a mental illness or Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder.
I see you. I see the late nights, the crying, the hopelessness. I see how alone you feel, how overwhelmed you are with the changes happening. It seems like you’re never going to be good enough for your family or your children.
I know how this feels because I was you. I share my story of postpartum depression and suicidal ideations to let you know that you are not the first person to go through this, and you are not alone.
My son was born via emergency C-section after 24 hours of labor. I struggled to take care of myself after the surgery, let alone a newborn baby. I also struggled to nurse him since he had a bad tongue tie. This started the feelings of not being a good mom.
I felt worthless not being able to help my baby or myself. I grew up always taking care of myself out of necessity, now I had to completely depend on my family members to help take care of me and my baby.
Even after we had his tongue tie fixed, I still struggled to nurse. When he would cry it made me feel like an awful mom and it started to trigger some painful memories from my past. I began to put him down when he would cry to walk into another room and beat myself up for being so worthless. This continued for three months. I eventually told my husband I wasn’t feeling right and asked him to hide anything I could hurt myself with.
I finally found a good rhythm with nursing my son, but my intense feelings of being a bad mom didn’t go away. They just got worse. I started to believe my husband and son would be better off without me. I felt completely psychotic. One minute I’d be okay, and the next I would fly off the deep end, mad off at everyone and hurting myself.
I finally talked to my husband about finding a therapist when my son was six months old. She helped me work through some of my past memories that were affecting how I viewed myself and helped me come up with some tools for coping with my emotions. She never suggested medication—I told her early on I wouldn’t take it. I felt like everything was helping but only to some degree.
It’s important to note that some people really struggle with the idea of medication for a number of reasons. Consult your healthcare provider about your options and concerns.
After a big fight with my husband a couple of months later, I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I went to my father-in-law's room and found his gun. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted a way out. I went outside and right as I had made the decision to pull the trigger my husband found me and took the gun away.
When I discussed this incident with my therapist she convinced me to try medication, which I did and stayed on for 2.5 years. I hated it because I felt like it took away all my emotions— including joy— but it also took away the suicidal tendencies. That’s why I kept taking it for so long. Even though I hated it, I was afraid to stop taking it.
I also sought support from a pastor who encouraged me to lean into finding support through my community and through God. As I followed some of his suggestions, I saw a lot of improvement and was even able to wean off the medications over time. This is what served me on my journey and in the season I was in. Your healing journey may look different than mine. I strongly recommend mental health care and urge you to talk to your doctor before making any changes to your medication.
That was three years ago. I still struggle with feelings of not being a good mom, but what mom doesn’t. Every time my little guy jumps into my arms to tell me how much he loves me, I am grateful that I sought help.
I am not the first person to battle postpartum depression, and neither are you. You are not alone in this. You are waging a war in your mind that no one will ever fully understand or appreciate. But you’re not crazy and you’re not a failure.
You are wanted.
You do bring value to the world.
You deserve help.
Seeking help can be hard to do, but it is so worth it to be there for your child, your family, and yourself. If you are struggling with your mental health, perinatal depression or anxiety please contact a therapist or a healthcare professional.
If you are feeling like you don’t want to live anymore, having suicidal thoughts, or have made a plan, please reach out to a friend, therapist, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by calling 988. You are worthy of care, support, and the resources you need to thrive as a mother.
Sending you all my love,
Brittany