7 Fears I had About Becoming a Birth Mother

Leah Outten

5/1/2025

When people suggested adoption to me in the early weeks of pregnancy, my heart walls immediately went up. What would people think of me? Would my baby be okay with different parents? Could I ever see her again? The questions swirled.I was afraid to even consider adoption because of the myths I had heard told by people who didn’t really know what adoption could be like. I spent months learning about the adoption process. But what helped the most was talking to other birth mothers, adopted children, and adoptive parents to see how adoption could look in real lives.

As you consider adoption, I’m sure you have fears as well. These are 7 fears I had about becoming a birth mother—and how they ended up not being true.

Fear #1: I will never get over the grief of placing her in another family

You might feel like adoption would be the best for you and your child in your current situation, but maybe wondering how it is possible to heal emotionally as you go your separate ways?I was scared I would never “get over it” and move forward. I’ll be honest that it isn’t easy. There will be tears some days and missing your child. But, I am here to be an example that healing is possible! Having peace with your decision is possible.

There is a unique grief as a birth mother that never completely goes away, much like a death of a loved one, but it does get better. The waves come on less strong and less frequent over time. For me, the joy in open adoption and the relationship we have built often overrides my sadness. When you have peace with your decision it helps to remind you of your “why” in this season.

I would suggest attending therapy during your pregnancy and after placement. Therapy is key to moving forward in a healthy way. Having someone walk with you through your experience, emotions, and gaining coping skills will help you heal. Using an emotional outlet such as writing, creating art or music also helps.

Fear #2: My child will feel unloved and unwanted

One of my greatest fears was that my child wouldn’t understand why I chose adoption for her. When I was still pregnant with her I wrote her a letter of why and gave it to her parents to keep for later.

It was important to me that I could always be in her life. Her adoptive parents and I have always talked about her story and answered her questions. I also made sure to remind her of my love for her in every birthday card and any other chance I had.Now she is a teenager and she knows that my choice of adoption wasn’t because she was unloved or unwanted, it was because I loved her and wanted her to have more than I could offer at that point in time. Our continued relationship shows her my love and how much I do want her in my life.

Fear #3: I will never see my child again

Maybe the thought of never seeing your child again breaks your heart, even though parenting feels impossible right now. Growing up I only had seen closed adoptions so I assumed if I chose adoption I would never see her again.When I discovered open adoption was an option and that I could be a part of her life, it opened my eyes to what adoption could be for us too. I chose a family who desired the same relationship as I did and were only a few hours away from where I lived. We have always had a minimum of two visits a year (usually more whenever possible!). Those visits always help reaffirm my decision as I see her thriving and it grows our relationship.

Fear #4: Even though I choose open adoption the adoptive family would close it one day

At seven months pregnant I chose open adoption and a family for my baby girl. From our first meeting we talked about how we envisioned doing life together and why it was important to each of us. They told me, “You are an important piece to her life puzzle, we want you here to help fill in those pieces. We are a package deal.”

They seemed very genuine, but it was scary to trust them in keeping those promises after birth. You see, in many states an open adoption agreement isn’t legally binding. We still wrote down what we promised to each other so our expectations were clear and had it notarized.Potentially losing a relationship with your child is a risk that birth mothers take, but I am grateful that her parents have upheld their promises—even to a greater extent than we had originally agreed to! Having an adoption professional who’ll mediate and advocate on your behalf can help make sure your plan is kept in place.

Fear #5: No one will understand my decision

It’s common to fear what others will think of our decision, especially since private infant adoptions by non-family members has decreased in recent years. Adoption is often misunderstood and can feel like a lonely path. While you may have supportive family or friends, they still won’t fully understand what it is like to be in your shoes unless they have walked this path too.

My parents were supportive of my decision and did the best they could to help me in a variety of ways. But, finding other birth moms in online groups and in-person retreats were especially encouraging. There is nothing like being in a room with others who truly understand the depth of your aches and joys! I promise, there are people out there who understand, who won’t judge you, and you are not alone.

Fear #6: My child and I won’t have a good relationship when she gets older

You might be wondering what open adoption looks like further down the road. I did too! I feared she wouldn’t feel the same way towards me, I love her so much! But, that was far from the truth.

Because I have been in her life from the beginning and because her parents have always encouraged our relationship, she feels safe to love all sides of her family. Her adoptive family and I have different roles in her life. While I am not “Mom” to her, we still have a special bond that only grows stronger with each year. We are alike in many ways and that brings us closer while also helping her connect more of her biological pieces.

Fear #7: I will never find a partner that supports my adoption relationship

Single moms may wonder how to find a person who accepts all the parts of their life, I felt this fear as well. Becoming a birth mother and my open adoption relationship is a very important part of my life. I didn’t date for a few years after placement because I wanted to heal and work on getting my life on track, but I told the first guy I was interested in (now my husband!) about my baby and our adoption relationship on our second date.

It was important for him to know my story from the very beginning. He was completely accepting. Eventually he started going to visits with me and he has created his own fun relationship with my birth daughter and her parents.

Any person you date should be supportive of your decision, your relationship with your child, and be there for you when you have a hard day. It should be non-negotiable. You are worthy of finding a good, supportive partner!

Conclusion

Having the freedom to make my own choices in many areas as a birth mother took away many of the fears I felt. Remember that this is what open adoption can look like though and isn’t a guarantee that you will have the same experience. Every adoption situation is different. There are many variables in adoption plans! Whatever you decide— don’t settle and trust your gut.

Exploring adoption doesn’t mean that you have to commit. Interviewing families doesn’t mean you are obligated to choose them. Choosing a family doesn’t lock you into choosing adoption either. Know that you have the right to change your mind up until your state’s law says it is final. Take your time in your decision, do your research, go to counseling, talk to other birth mothers, and think through your own fears about choosing adoption.

If you're interested in learning more about adoption in a zero pressure environment, check out AdoptMatch, a nonprofit organization committed to promoting ethical standards in domestic adoption.