When you look down at your bump, do you have a sinking feeling? The one that says, “you can never go back,” or “life will never be the same?” Maybe there is some part of you that is excited to be a mom, but you just don’t know how to accept an unexpected pregnancy and navigate this transition.
It is common to miss your pre-pregnancy life or even think, “I don’t want to be a mom anymore.” I had a conversation with therapist Kristen Gaughan about this experience. She explained why grieving the transition into motherhood is important and shared tips for grieving well.
Grief is a natural response to entering a new season
It is natural to feel a sense of loss when you add a baby into your life. Your life aspirations may have changed; you may miss a stomach without stretch marks and the freedom of life without pregnancy or a baby. When you are upset or sad because of this transition, you are grieving.
Kristen defines grieving as “An emotional response to a perceived loss.” Most people think about grief in association with death, but you can also grieve other transitions in life. Kristen pointed out:
"Some of the most stressful life experiences are marriage, having a baby, getting or losing a job, and moving. If you're getting married, it's wonderful, but you've lost your single life. If you're buying a house, it's wonderful, but your freedom of movement has changed. In every transition of life, there is a level of loss. So when someone is dealing with an unexpected pregnancy, she's experiencing grief but may not know that it's grief."
Grief isn’t a linear process
Grief is complicated and can manifest itself in many different ways. The cycle of grief has a few different stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kristen gave me an example of what these stages may look like in an unwanted pregnancy situation:
"There’s that moment of shock when your pregnancy test comes back positive and you haven't fully wrapped your mind around the fact that you're pregnant. That shock is the denial.
Then we usually get mad. 'How could this have happened to me?' 'Why did this happen to me?' 'How is this going to affect my life?'
And we get angry; we might get angry at ourselves, or maybe our partner, we might be angry at God, the universe, the clerk that sold us the condom.
Then we go to the bargaining: 'Okay, well, maybe this pregnancy test isn't accurate. This is a cheap pregnancy test, so I need to go get a better one.'
Then at some point, we hit the depression stage. 'Okay, am I going to be a mom? I have to make the decision if I'm going to be a mom or not.' And we go through that process of sadness and what that means to us.
And then, at some point, we can get to the point of acceptance, where we're at peace with the situation. Not that we can't ever feel sad about it. But on a daily basis, we're able to function fine, despite the situation."
This is an example of how grief could look, but no one responds the same. Something may trigger you to go through the whole process again. Some stages may last for short periods while some may last a long time. Kristen explained:
"I know we all want it to be this linear thing. But unfortunately, that's not how it works. Often, we have to go through the cycle multiple times, and we often don’t go through the stages in the same order. That's natural.
The good news is, as we go through the cycle, each time, if we're actually doing the grieving process properly, the acceptance phase gets longer and longer. And all the others get shorter and shorter, to the point that your acceptance phase is the majority of the time."
How to recognize your grief
Physical Cues
The key to understanding what you are going through is listening to your physical and emotional cues. Kristen explained that we often ignore what is going on emotionally, so our body will make us slow down with a physical response such as a headache, increased heart rate, tightness in the chest, loss of appetite, overeating, or digestive trouble, to name a few symptoms.
The difference between grief and perinatal or postpartum depression
I asked Kristen if she could explain the difference between depression brought on by grief and perinatal depression (depression experienced during the pregnancy) or postpartum depression (depression experienced after giving birth). She responded,
"I think it's important to delineate that there is situational depression that comes along with the grieving process. And then there's clinical depression, which may come along with the hormonal changes in our bodies.
She explained that situational depression is directly connected to a particular life event and there is an ebb and flow from feeling okay to remembering the situation and being upset by it. Often, being with people who care for you, eating a food you love, or watching your favorite movie can draw you from a situationally depressed state."
However, if you do things that you normally enjoy and they don’t make you feel better, you may be experiencing clinical depression. Kristen explained:
"With clinical depression, there's a brain chemistry issue. If your depression is related to the pregnancy and the chemicals being out of whack, then you might need a short-term antidepressant to help work through that so that the chemicals are stabilized."
In either case, Kristen recommends that if you are feeling depressed that you should reach out for support. This could look like having someone who will check in on you and make sure you are okay or seeing a mental health professional. If you don’t know where to start looking for mental health support, talk to your OBGYN or midwife and they will be able to recommend resources.
Processing your grief and finding health
The goal of grieving is for stages of acceptance to become longer and longer so the situation is not interrupting your thoughts and you can easily experience happiness. This process takes time and looks different for everyone.
Why it’s important to grieve
If you are like me, you don’t like taking time to deal with hard emotions. But Kristen gave me a good analogy for what happens if we don’t take the time to recognize our pain and process it.
"I think of us as emotional garbage cans. When you push down, there's more room, so you can put stuff in it, and you push it down, and there's more room. But at some point, you can't push it down anymore. It's too full. And then one of two things happen: either the bag gets stuck and you can't get it out, or you get it out and stuff shoots out the top or breaks out the bottom because it's so heavy.
When we shove our emotions in and don't deal with them, then they can get stuck inside. And that's where we normally have depression, anxiety, addiction issues, self-defeating behavior, possibly even self-harm. Or we start spewing it out at other people in the form of anger and resentment.
That's why I think it's so important that we deal with things as they come. It's not enjoyable to go through the grieving process. It's always better to deal with it in the moment and work through it so it doesn't sit there and fester."
Tips for grieving this transition well
Kristen explained that there is no magic bullet to heal from grief or situations of depression, but exercising self-care and seeking out joy goes a long way. Here are a few suggestions:
- Connect with friends and family
- Eat your favorite dessert without feeling guilty
- Watch your favorite movie or read a book that you love
Kristen said, “Healing is doing kindnesses to ourselves to ease some of the overwhelming nature of the grief process. Make a concerted effort to put time and activities in your day that help you to decompress and be a little brighter. Finding ways you can bring some momentary joy and peace goes a long way.”
It’s a process
It is important that you know that you are not the only one grieving your pre-pregnancy life. Grief is a common response when transitioning into motherhood.
If you are experiencing depression or anxiety, seek out help so you can find healing. Grieving doesn’t happen overnight, but it is a process that will allow you to find peace with the changes you’re experiencing.
There will be moments when you miss your life before you had children, and that’s okay! But you and your baby will be so much happier if you’re working on healing from this unexpected journey and can enjoy the new wonderful season ahead.