You are not the only one experiencing fear and apprehension about the upcoming season. Having a child changes the ways you interact with friends and you may wonder who you can turn to during this transition. I’m here to share my own experiences and tell you that pregnancy can be a wonderful time too, even in the midst of all the other feelings.
Loneliness as a Soundtrack to My Childhood
Loneliness is a feeling I’ve battled since long before I became pregnant. I was conceived when my parents were 15 and 16 years old. This meant a few things; they dropped out of school to get jobs, we stayed with several different family members throughout the years, and we switched neighborhoods and schools often.
I adored my parents, but the constant changes made it hard to bond with other family members, and even harder to connect with friends. I developed a “quiet” personality, which is often confused with shyness. Since people assumed that I was shy, they either pestered me to get an amusing reaction or left me alone completely.
As an adult, life brought me the best friends I could ever dream of, but just like in childhood, I kept moving. When I found out I was pregnant, I lived 6 hours away from my best friends, and I was really missing their support and love.
Loneliness During Pregnancy
In this season of life, I was in the service industry and so was my then boyfriend (now husband). Our mornings were heavily caffeinated and our evenings were full of bar hopping and dancing. When I got pregnant, some of those things were no longer practical options, and I started feeling isolated from both my boyfriend and friends. I felt like they couldn’t really understand what was happening to me and how my brain and body felt..
I tried to keep up appearances as long as I could, but my pregnancy symptoms weren’t a fan.. “I’ll go, but I can’t drink” was my catchphrase and I was ready for bed before my friends were even ready to go out. There I was again, feeling out of place and needing to move… the perpetual new girl.
I spent a few weeks crying and sort of moping about, and slowly I found the support I needed from both my boyfriend and his family. They consistently encouraged me and gave me the space to feel how I felt. This eventually helped me feel more excited to meet the baby, which eventually overpowered the feelings of isolation I had.
Building My Community
While my boyfriend worked, I went out to lunch solo, strolled through bookstores, walked around trails and parks for exercise, and something incredible happened. Suddenly, it seemed that I had hundreds of friends… well, not exactly friends… but people who were friendly.
Every door was held open for me, I was greeted with big smiles, looks of admiration, and even appreciation. Other mothers would stop me in grocery stores and share bits and pieces of their birth stories. I was part of a club that I didn’t even knowI was joining.
Instead of feeling lonely, I felt seen. People saw me, and did not want to take anything from me; they wanted to give. My cup was overflowing with advice, encouragement, and compliments.
These experiences pulled me out of my shell and taught me how to talk to strangers openly and authentically. It was okay to talk about me, I didn't have to have my “customer service” hat on. Shifting gears from ‘lonely’ to ‘approachable’ helped me make great friends at my local yoga studio— a studio that would later hire me as a manager after my maternity leave.
The women at my studio shared many of the same health values as I did, and they also spent their days walking through parks and libraries. We started walking together, hiking together, painting together, and eventually sharing our birth stories with each other. I became a birth teacher at the studio, and hosted a free weekly mom meetup there.
Navigating Friendship as a New Mom
Now you are part of the club too. We are so happy to have you! For your family and friends who have not yet had children (or never plan too), it is hard to truly understand what pregnant women experience.
You are shapeshifting. You are exhausted because every cell in your body is constantly adapting and creating life. You are a living portal from the unknown to earth. You’re making an entire human being from scratch for crying out loud!
Your season is changing, but you don’t have to feel alone during pregnancy. The key is figuring out what you want from social interactions and finding ways to connect.
If you want to maintain old friendships, navigate together how to make that happen as you become a mother. If you desire new friends, there are plenty of ways to connect and build your support system!
Accepting Seasons of Friendship
You might find that some friendships do not transfer into your new season of life. That can be painful, and you might want to take time to reflect how this is impacting your feeling of loneliness. Find the space to thank old friends and acquaintances for the part they played in your story.
Even trees say goodbye to the beautiful leaves they once loved when they are preparing for a new chapter. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never be friends again, but that you’re taking different paths at this time.
Tips for Stepping out of Isolation
Meeting new people, especially other moms, can feel overwhelming. Keep your chin up so you can see the smiles from those who admire your work. Be open to receiving the stories from mothers who mean well, just graciously filter out the parts that don’t serve you.
- Find community in acquaintances: Go to the library and find safe spaces to take walks. Sit on restaurant patios and people-watch while you eat. As you are pregnant and have a little one, people tend to be more open to talking and interacting. That lady you talked to at the park one time could become a friend.
- 2. Join Facebook mom's groups for your city, faith community, gym, and even your neighborhood. There are so many support groups out there waiting for you.
- Try mom meeting apps!
Mom Friends Bring Wisdom and Shared Experiences
Up to this point, your parenting examples may come primarily from your own experiences with your own parents or parental figures. Widening your circle will not only provide you other perspectives, but can also be helpful when you find yourself in a rougher season of parenthood. There's no situation you will encounter that someone else hasn't already been through.
With a supportive village around you, you can become one of the moms that others in your community go to for help too! Embrace the process of joining such a crucial role in your community. Your experience will enable you to support others in their journey to motherhood.