Permission to Leave: 9 Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Have you ever been so sure of something but later found your confidence waning? I have.

There was a time in my life when I felt I’d found the “one.” I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and sing it from the mountains—everyone had to know I had found him.

Our relationship grew, but as it grew, it seemed to grow more complicated. I started to wonder what was normal and found myself looking up questions online that I never expected to ask.

• Is my partner controlling?
• What is too far when he’s angry?
• Is punishing your partner a sign of an abusive relationship?
• When do you know it’s time to leave?

I felt so overwhelmed by the information I found that I didn’t know what to do. Then, I became pregnant unexpectedly. I had never felt so lost.

If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy and unsure if the man by your side is the one for you, please read on. I want to share with you 9 warning signs of a toxic relationship I wish I had known earlier.

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#1. He rarely takes responsibility.

Personal responsibility is a sign of maturity. While I have yet to perfect this, I am constantly challenging my natural desire to pass blame. So quickly, the words "no, I didn't say that" or "that wasn't me" come out of my mouth.

This is a natural human response and not something that in normal quantities should be a concern. However, if you are receiving long, strange excuses and constant denials of fault, this should be a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Parenting requires a lifestyle of growth and adaptation. No one is a perfect parent, but every parent needs to be able to acknowledge their own mistakes and shortcomings to improve. Living in a home with a partner who is unable to take responsibility for his actions and words will often lead to conflict, unhealthy relational patterns, and instability for a child.

#2. He constantly puts himself first.

Have you ever watched a teeny-bopper drama on TV? Do you remember the villain in the plot? The villain is not evil per se; instead, they are self-focused and conceited. They are someone who uses other people or puts them down to get what they want.

This behavior is something you should watch out for in your partner. If he consistently puts himself first—his opinions, desires, wants, and needs—he will likely not make a good companion as you begin your parenting journey. A healthy father loves his child with selfless and unconditional love. He humbly raises them while learning and growing along the journey. If a father is unwilling to give up his own desires for his child, it can be damaging to the child and their relationship.

#3. He has unreasonable expectations.

I was in college when I met my daughter’s father. As our relationship developed, his expectations of me became harder and harder to keep up with.

One of his first expectations was that I would not work on homework in the evenings because he wanted to spend time together every night. At first, this was kind of flattering, but it became very impractical with my school and work schedule. I started to work on homework late into the night and early in the mornings, just to keep up with school.

But his expectations didn’t stop there. He always wanted me to look put together, required that I stay at a certain fitness level, and expected me to keep the house spotless.

In the end, unreasonable expectations like these put unnecessary strain on the relationship. They may lead you to feel like you’ll never be good enough and create internal feelings of worthlessness and despair. If never adequately addressed, these unfair expectations will only continue to grow when a child is added and may, in turn, lead your child to feel bad about themselves from a young age.

#4. He has substance issues and denies them.

Addiction to harmful substances can be extremely difficult to handle for both the individual and their partner. This can include alcohol and drugs of many types when used incorrectly and in excess, such as prescription, recreational, and illegal drugs.

While it can be painfully difficult to acknowledge a problem with substances and even more strenuous to work through them, it is essential to create a healthy home environment and consistent relationships. Substance issues often lead to angry reactions and abusive behavior, creating an unstable environment for children.

If he is misusing substances, refusing to acknowledge the problem, and even hiding the usage of them, this can be a huge red flag and may lead to a lack of trust.

#5. He creates strict rules.

Relationships are partnerships. While some faith and cultural backgrounds encourage male leadership of the family, this does not give him the authority to create rules that must be obeyed. Examples include not being allowed to disagree or argue with him or being prohibited from speaking to another man.

If your partner demands obedience, this is a great concern. Your partner has no right to punish or discipline you for not following his rules or meeting his expectations. Examples of punishment include withholding affection, showing physical or emotional abuse, or removing privileges that he established the right to give. If you find yourself walking on eggshells all the time and feeling drained, it may be time to reconsider your relationship.

#6. He controls the finances.

Handling finances is typically difficult for many couples. However, if your partner takes complete control of the finances, this is a red flag. This may look like restricting your ability to access bank accounts, requiring that you ask for permission to spend money, or expecting you to account for every dollar you spend.

A healthy approach to money involves trust and communication, not control. In a healthy relationship, finances should be managed together, based on financial decisions determined as a couple. Using finances as a control mechanism is very unhealthy and can create a damaging example of controlling behavior for your child.

#7. He struggles with commitment.

Commitment is necessary for so many areas of life including career, physical fitness, financial stability, and relationships. Parenting is no different. When you choose to step into parenting, you are committing to loving and caring for your child, even when it is inconvenient or feels impossible. If your partner struggles to make basic commitments, like RSVPing to a dinner party, showing up to work on time, or returning a borrowed item, this should be cause for concern.

Additionally, it is an issue if he makes commitments but does not follow through with them. Areas such as the tenure of his closest friendships and his longevity with an employer can highlight if he has issues in this area. Keeping a job and maintaining relationships both take effort and commitment. If he struggles to do either or both, this is a red flag.

Dads must be consistent and stable. Showing up to the soccer game and being on time to pick their child up from daycare go a long way in making a child feel safe and loved.

#8. He rarely shows empathy.

According to Psychology Today, empathy is “the ability to recognize, understand and share the thoughts and feelings of another person.” In other words, it’s when your partner identifies that you’re having a rough day and offers to pick up the child and make dinner. It’s that extra hug and extension of grace when you accidentally say something unhelpful. Empathy is, in essence, the desire to understand how to love the other person well.

This is an important characteristic in a healthy relationship because it creates connection and the feeling of being seen and understood. When you feel understood by your partner, you feel loved, cared for, and supported. In contrast, the absence of empathy can make you feel small, unimportant, and unvalued. If your partner is unable to understand or unwilling to try to relate to your feelings and experiences, it may be time to consider calling it quits.

#9. He has untreated mental health issues that damage the relationship.

This is an area that is so difficult to talk about but so essential to address. Mental health issues are common and do not disqualify anyone from parenting or being in a healthy relationship—when adequately addressed. If you struggle with a mental health issue, you are not alone, and you should not be ashamed.

However, if mental health issues go untreated (no therapy, medication, and/or support), they can be so pervasive that they can be very damaging to the people around them. I struggled with this greatly because I desired to be understanding towards my partner. I understood his inappropriate behavior was not entirely his fault, so I wanted to be patient. But eventually, the hurt that he caused could not be allowed to continue.

Warning signs to look for include excessive anger, suicidal thoughts, detachment from reality, inability to cope, and excessive mood changes. If you are seeing these symptoms in your partner, please consider the impact this can have on you and your child. Take a look at not only his mental health issues but also his relationships and behaviors with friends and family.

You deserve a loving and healthy relationship.

Friend, if your stomach is churning while reading these red flags, your relationship may be toxic. You deserve a loving and healthy relationship. You are worthy of being seen, heard, and valued—at all times.

If you know that you need to break romantic ties with the father, you can and will be able to do it. I wish I could tell you everything about my story, but that would take too many cups of coffee. What I can tell you is that breaking off my relationship was one of the best things I ever did. I had so many worries, concerns, and reasons not to end my relationship. After all, he was the father of my child, but I knew he wasn’t good for me or for her.

I gave birth without him and have carried her now for six years without him. I found myself again after the break-up. I separated myself from my partner and moved back home with my family. I found a therapist and a group therapy class where I could connect with other women who also had trauma in their pasts. I learned to love myself again by realizing my part in the situation and forgiving myself.

If you are in a toxic relationship, do what you need to do to find a healthy environment for you and your child. It may feel like the hardest thing you will ever do, but it will be worth it. I believe in you. There is hope, love, and a new chapter after this one.

Medically reviewed by Kristen Gaughan, MS, LPC