I was not expecting to have a third child when I discovered I was pregnant. How was I supposed to raise another child when I already had two kids with special needs? Whether you're thinking about adding another child or you’re already pregnant with another, you’re in good company. I’m here to share my story of adding another member to my family when I wasn’t planning on it.
Slow Down and Process the Change
I would encourage you to take a deep breath and consider what your life might look like with [insert # of kids here] kids. Grab a device, paper and pen, or a trusted friend and brainstorm:
Remember, you don’t have to answer every question. Concentrate on the ones that help you and skip the ones that don’t serve you.
- What strengths do I possess that can help me with this unexpected journey?
- What would be challenging about having another child?
- What areas of my life and my family’s life will be different in 9 months?
- What resources do I already possess that can help support my family and I in 9 months? (think about financial, practical, community, personal strengths)
- What resources will I still need in 9 months to help my family and I be successful in adding another person to the family?
- Have you told your partner? If not, what fears do you have about sharing the news?
- How do you imagine another sibling will impact your child(ren)?
Processing your life goals and fears can help you find the root of your concerns about adding another person to your family. If you need a support person as you process your pregnancy options you can contact a She Might Clarity Coach.
Day-to-Day Changes
Be Intentional
With a big family, I’m more intentional about the order of things. For example, I have a system for getting the kids in and out of the car that helps keep everyone safe. My kids are close in age, so the big kids who are mobile go in first and out last. If we’re going somewhere that requires me to pack an extra bag I try to do that when the kids are sleeping or watching a TV show.
I include them in housework—they love helping get things in and out of the washer and dryer, or sweeping and mopping with me. Including kids in housework teaches them how to help and keeps them occupied and out of fights with each other.
Family Dynamics
Three kids can change the dynamic between a parent and other children. Be intentional to find special ways to get one-on-one time with each kid. As your youngest transitions to being a middle or oldest child, find ways to remind them that they are special and loved. This could be 15 minutes twice a week doing something they love at home or maybe it’s a special date to the park or store once a month.
Community is Necessary and Powerful
A family goal of ours is to have a diverse and present community. I want my kids to be comfortable around a variety of people and value people who help us thrive. My kids have play dates with kids their own age but are also used to being around adults. My adult time did not stop when I added a third child.
If losing peer time is a fear for you as children are added to your family, think of one person, a girlfriend maybe, that doesn’t mind having your kids along to some of your hang-out times. You can still set aside one-on-one time with her or others but maybe she can meet you at a park or your home while the kids play. And the kids can learn some adult interaction skills, too.
Physical Space
Things in your physical space will change as you add another person to the mix. There are simple ways to create space for anotherchild, even on a budget.
You don’t have to have a crib: Utilizing a pack-n-play more can help with sleeping arrangements and bedroom space.
Shared Rooms: Sometimes this is difficult while they are younger but it can also be a blessing to have a buddy nearby.
Transportation: It may be sung, but three car seats generally fit in the back bench of many vehicles. If your kids are close to each other in the car, keep a rotation of books and small toys in the car to help with boredom and reduce fighting.
Look ahead to see what changes to your physical space might need to happen to keep everyone safe and happy. Regardless of your personality type, we all need at least a little space and alone time. So, take that into account, for both your kids and for yourself.
Finances
Adding a third child will impact the monthly budget but doesn’t have to break the bank. Here are some ways that our family adjusted to accommodate the expense of another person:
Hand-me-downs: Clothing the older kids wear can be saved and worn by the younger kids. Toys can also be handed down and grandparents love to help in this area too.
Food: Your food budget will go up, but there are also programs like WIC available to help growing families.
Free Activities: While kids are really young, you can make the extracurricular activities free—like parks, libraries, and playdates. As they get older, look into local park and recreation communities for inexpensive activities.
Perspective Change
At the end of the day, the number of children you have does not dictate who you are. Envision where you want to go, choose to see the teaching moments and embrace the little hands that want to help. Most importantly don’t let life just happen to you. Think about how you can achieve the life you want with your kids, not how they will hold you back.
I even got inspired to go hiking recently with all three kids after reading this article, Brooke’s Adventure! Yes, I hiked with three kids ages 2, 3, and 5—and my oldest has severe physical disabilities. This hiking day trip was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time! This is just one example of how I refuse to stop living life to the fullest. I keep choosing a perspective that says, “I can” and get creative with resources and my community.
Remember the things that help you thrive can help your kids thrive. When you take care of your mental health you are modeling important behavior to your children. Your kids might have different interests than you, but when you’re healthy and happy it helps them be healthy and happy.
It is up to you to choose the life you want to live and allow your children the opportunity to witness a strong, brave woman. It doesn’t matter how many kids you have, you can still be a woman who takes ownership of her life and chooses adventure. That doesn’t stop when you have kids—surprised or planned.