Pregnancy is a deeply personal experience. Your body changes and pregnancy hormones shift your mood and desires.

The person I most wanted to experience all of this with was my boyfriend, who was the father of my child. I wanted him to comfort me after throwing up, to feel the baby kick, and to hold me when I cried for no reason.

If both of you are on board with having this baby, it’s possible your boyfriend wants to be more involved but may not quite know how—especially if this is your first time becoming parents. And to be fair, you may not know how to tell him that you want him to be more involved. Here is a guide for opening up communication and inviting him into your pregnancy experience.

Communicate Expectations

A mentor once told me that most relationship issues can be boiled down to one problem: unmet expectations. Establishing what you expect from your partner when you are pregnant is so important. Having an open dialogue about how you want to be loved and supported is key to a healthy relationship.

Questions to ask Yourself:

• What do I expect his role to be during the pregnancy?
• What do I expect from him after the baby is born?

Questions to ask him:

• What does he see his role being while you are pregnant?
• What does he see his role being after the baby is born?
• What does he expect from you during the pregnancy and after the baby is born?

Questions you should discuss together:

• How do you expect to financially navigate the pregnancy?
• Where do you expect to live during and after the pregnancy?
• Do you expect to raise the child together in a committed relationship or to co-parent?
• Do you both plan on working? If so, how do you anticipate handling childcare?
• Communicating your expectations from the get-go is a healthy way to avoid disappointment.

Invite Him into the Experience

Sometimes partners will disengage from the pregnancy because they don’t know how to be involved. When my partner and I were first pregnant, he had no idea what to do. Since he wasn’t experiencing the daily struggles of being pregnant, it was easier for him to disassociate from the reality of becoming a father.

Here are some ways you can invite him into the experience:

• Ask if he wants to come to ultrasound appointments.
• Ask if he wants to help make a baby registry.
• Give him an assignment when looking for baby gear.

Example: I asked my partner to be in charge of researching a stroller/carseat combo. He loves product research, so it was the right job for him.

• Ask him to attend a birthing or parenting class with you (your hospital probably offers some for free).
• Pick a diaper bag that he likes too, so he won’t be embarrassed carrying it around.
• Talk to him about your birthing wishes and see if he has any preferences.
• Ask him to go on walks with you when your back and legs need a stretch.
• Challenge him to make a list of all the weird things you say, do, or crave during pregnancy. If you can handle self-deprecating humor, then you will both get a kick out of this, and it will be good to have for posterity.
• Indulge a craving and make it a date–it can be a good time to go on a wild hunt for the perfect chocolate ice cream cake.
• Ask for massages.

In the third trimester, you’re probably using a ridiculous amount of pillows for belly support. Go all the way and make a pillow fort together and watch a movie that you loved as kids.

What if He is Still Distant?

In the early days of my pregnancy, I was very worried that my boyfriend was going to remain checked out. We had unexpectedly found out about our pregnancy weeks before he graduated from college, he had just lost his job, and we lived in different places. He wasn’t around for my morning sickness; my roommates were.

When he found a new job, he took extra shifts and was always tired. It was very hard for me not to take all this personally. What I realized, in retrospect, was that he was very worried about the pregnancy, but the way he coped was doubling down on making money to provide for the baby rather than spending time with me.

I don’t know what your situation looks like, but I do know that it can be so painful if you feel like you’re going through this by yourself. It can be doubly painful if you invite him into your pregnancy experience and he turns you down. Here Are a few ways to deal with this:

1. Exercise empathy. The pregnancy has rocked your world. What has it done to his world? Is there a pattern of behavior that you know he uses when he is stressed and overwhelmed? If you start from a place of empathy, you’ll probably get further in the conversation.
2. If he doesn’t respond to your efforts to engage him in the pregnancy and you continue to have relationship problems, then you may have valid concerns about the future of your relationship. If this is the case, you may want to see if he is open to relationship counseling.

After my boyfriend and I got married, we received counseling from a mentor, and I believe it has created a foundation for our marriage to thrive on. The pregnancy brought up a lot of unresolved issues, and we needed an outsider's perspective to get us through that season.

Give Your Relationship a Strong Foundation

Advocating for your expectations and putting what you want out there is hard. This unexpected pregnancy will challenge you and your partner in new ways. But if you guys can make it through an unexpected pregnancy, you can probably make it through anything.