Growing up as the “good girl”, I knew all eyes were on me at one of the most important milestones of my life—high school graduation. Walking across the stage to get my hard-earned, long-awaited high school diploma after 12 years of study is what I had looked forward to during my final teen years. But this was one achievement that all the girls in my family seemed unable to cross without being a teen mom.

Almost daily, it was drilled into my head that I should not be another “ statistic”; that I not only needed to graduate high school (baby-free) but also carry on the family achievement by being the first to go to a prestigious 4-year university. And if you happen to get pregnant, it better be after marriage with a good, college-educated, Christian man.

I told my teenage self that “I would never disappoint my family and my community!” After all, everyone is expecting me to succeed right now, so I can't let them down. Not to mention, I had witnessed many teen moms in my community experience severe judgment and harsh social treatment for their ill-timed pregnancies.

My plans were to graduate high school and enjoy all the senior activities at the end of the year. Before graduating, I was accepted to 4 universities locally and abroad, so I was super excited to begin my college life at the university where I received the highest scholarship. I couldn’t wait to decorate my dorm, gain independence, make good grades with an impressive major, graduate in 4 years, start an amazing career, make tons of money, AND THEN get married by 25 and have kids 2 years later!

What would people think of me?

I did it. I walked across the stage baby-free and had the graduation party of the century! But my victory was short-lived... soon after, I took a test—two double lines. I was pregnant.

Instead of reaching out for help and support, I thought I could do what was best and just hide my little secret. For the first time in my life, I googled “abortion clinics near me”. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing the people and community I loved. I worried about my future plans and feared the pregnancy would destroy my reputation. It was all about what I wanted and what I didn’t want others to think about me.

A few weeks later I went through with my first abortion appointment. I was assured it would fix my little problem and that everything would go back to normal. Externally, yes, I hid my abortion and everyone was still cheering me on. But internally, I was not back to normal.

I struggled with unresolved feelings and stuffed my mental health under being the “good girl” again. I worked harder in school, achieved my college degree, and went through the years smiling with my secret. I thought that if I strived to be the best for my family and community, I could move forward, but I never took the time to heal from the experience or the other underlying feelings. 

Healing from my secret

Years later, I decided it was time to let go of this secret. I told a few close friends I trusted, and I finally told my parents, whose reaction I feared the most. I had lived in fear for so long about how disappointed they would be in me, but that wasn’t reality. My parents embraced me with open arms and reassured me there was nothing I could do that could ever make them love me less.

Empowered by their loving response, I pursued post-abortion counseling and healed from the trauma I endured alone both during my abortion and the years after.. Through counseling and the support of my community, I found the courage to share my experience on my youtube channel in the hopes that my story could help other women like me.

I was amazed by the overwhelmingly positive response my video received. The judgment I feared never came. Instead, I was embraced with open arms. My friends and family wished I had felt safe telling them about my pregnancy and expressed their desire to have extended the love and support I needed most.

Don’t let fear make your decision

Looking back, I realize my reasons for choosing to terminate my pregnancy were rooted in fear: fear of people and fear of the unknown.

Honestly, all of the plans I made for my life never happened in the way I expected. Even after choosing to not parent, none of my plans turned out exactly as I wanted them.

So if I were to go back to 17-year-old Gigi and do it again, I’d tell a younger me to keep planning and dreaming no matter what unexpected surprises arise. You can still have a great life even when life throws you curveballs. Plus all the people you are worried about disappointing, their opinions don’t matter. And they likely will not disown you like you’re thinking. As you step more fully into your identity and future, you’ll find those who truly matter will actually love you and support you if you let them. Trust me, I know.