B.C. (Before child), life was unpredictable…
My mother struggled with undiagnosed bipolar disorder for most of my life, and this deeply impacted my emotional health and confidence in my decision-making. I felt I had to walk on eggshells to keep a very delicate peace. Though her mental diagnosis isn’t her fault, I found myself always creating an escape plan.
Building my career in the makeup industry was my ticket out of the house. It was the fuel for me to recreate the direction of my life. I worked on set with celebrities and did countless fashion weeks/shows as a makeup artist in New York City. I was really making a name for myself. I thought I was in control of my career, future, and happiness. Then I met a boy, and well, we fell in love.
At least that’s what I thought. I was in so deep. In retrospect, maybe he was not as in love as me. For me, he was the moon in my night sky, and for him I was just a star-amongst many. I was under a spell. It became a relationship that gave me tunnel vision. My career began to take a back seat and a life with him was all I could envision. It wasn’t until I peed on a pregnancy stick, that I was like, “Oh shit!” It was at that moment I realized life as I knew it would forever change.
I was 22 years old when I became pregnant. I thought, “I could do this. I’ve been a mother to my mother for so long.” I was scared too, but mainly of my mother’s reaction. It was my responsibility to regulate my mother’s emotions and nerves, and this was going to upset the balance of our lives. Turns out, she took the news surprisingly well. Sometimes our assumptions about how someone will respond doesn’t happen.
I was personally excited about the pregnancy. I thought, “This is it! This is my moment! I finally am getting the family/life I’ve always wanted.” I told my partner how excited I was to start our family, but he was not excited. His reaction was abrasive and harsh. He told me I was making a mistake by continuing the pregnancy. He asked me to terminate it. I shoved down my hopes and feelings to go along with what he wanted to make him happy. I scheduled the appointment for the abortion at 13 weeks.
It was a hard decision. I felt like I was in a battle every day leading up to the appointment. I remember the night before the abortion, I was staying at my best friend’s house and I couldn’t sleep. I had jitters and a ton of anxiety. It felt like a weight on my chest. I got on my knees and I cried. I prayed for the first time in a long time that night. I asked for a sign from the divine. A few moments had passed, and I felt movement in my uterus. It felt like flutters. It was my sign! I think back on that moment, and I always wonder if what I felt was really my baby or gas, but either way it brought me to my decision. A decision that changed the rest of my life as I knew it. I canceled the abortion appointment in the morning.
I had a feeling that I’d be doing this parenting thing alone. My son’s father left us when my baby, Jude, was a little shy of 6 weeks old. The reality of single motherhood really became clear. I slowly sunk into postpartum depression.
I was doing okay during my son’s first few years of life. Then, at 2 years old, my son was diagnosed with autism—a diagnosis that would impact the trajectory of our lives. I barely knew what I was doing as a mother but adding autism to the mix made me feel like I was left bare-naked-vulnerable.
According to the She Might Clarity Quiz, I am a Planner. My core concern is having loss of control and that was something I had to surrender to once my son was diagnosed with autism. I’m not going to lie, when days were hard, sometimes I used to think about that moment before canceling my abortion. I don’t regret my decision to keep my pregnancy, but nothing would have prepared me for the life that I now live.
If I could go back in time and tell my past self anything, it would always go with my gut. I don’t know if I would have made the same decision if I knew how it would all turn out. If I knew then that I’d be a single mother by choice to a 6-year-old son who is on the autism spectrum, I would have told my future self I was under-qualified. And I’d be right. I am under-qualified and overworked in my role as Jude’s mother, but I am so happy. If I could tell my past self anything it would be to trust in the journey because it only gets better.
To read more about Imani’s Journey visit The Hippy Mom.