Is What I Am Feeling Grief?

Experiencing an unexpected pregnancy and making a decision can stir up emotions that are difficult to process. There are so many layers to the emotions you may be experiencing while walking through an unexpected pregnancy. 

While you may not immediately associate your feelings with grief, an emotional response to change or loss is completely valid. Grief is often triggered by significant transitions, even if those transitions don’t align with traditional ideas of loss. You might find yourself navigating a range of emotions, from sadness to relief, and it’s important to recognize that these feelings can be part of a larger process of healing.1

Grief can come up in different ways. Whether you see your experience as a loss, it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions, especially when a pregnancy may not fit into your current plans. You might feel confident in the choice you made, and you may still experience grief from the process.2 Whatever your situation, understanding that grief can manifest in many ways is the first step in processing your emotions.

Types of Grief & Loss

Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous loss happens when the loss feels unclear or unresolved. This can occur when there's no definite closure or the loss is not widely recognized by society. 

With unexpected pregnancies, the feeling of not knowing exactly how to define your experience can leave you feeling unsure about your emotions. You may grieve the loss of what you thought this experience would look like, or how you imagined your partner or support system would be there for you. 

Ambiguous loss can also happen when you feel like you’ve lost something intangible, like a vision for the future, a role you expected to have, or a relationship that didn’t turn out as you hoped.3 Even though it’s not the loss of a person, it can still feel just as heavy, especially when you don’t feel that others recognize it

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief is when society doesn’t acknowledge or validate the grief someone is experiencing. It can feel incredibly isolating when your grief isn’t recognized. Many women in our community share that they feel unseen or unsupported during an unexpected pregnancy. This type of grief can leave you feeling like there’s no space to grieve or talk about your feelings. It’s common for this grief to relate to pregnancy loss, the end of a relationship, or major changes in family dynamics. It's important to remember that every outcome of an unexpected pregnancy, whether it’s parenting, abortion, adoption, or miscarriage, comes with its own form of loss. 2

Becoming a parent is a big change to your life, and can come with feelings of loss. It’s okay to grieve your life before pregnancy, to acknowledge that there may be some aspects of your existing life that you won’t be taking with you into this new chapter.

Similarly, abortion or adoption comes with its own set of losses, such as wondering about what could have been. Whether you’re grieving the life you thought you would have, the loss of pre-pregnancy experiences, or the emotional toll of making a difficult decision, all these feelings are a valid part of your healing process.

In coaching sessions, we often talk with clients about how moving forward with a pregnancy decision doesn’t change the fact that you are or were pregnant. We know abortion impacts every individual differently, and that some people experience grief after ending a pregnancy for a variety of reasons, and sometimes they have difficulty naming why they feel the way they do. 

For women who choose adoption, grief and loss are involved too. Placing a child for adoption can stir up a lot of emotions, including feelings of loss related to a lot of unknowns. Becoming a birthmother and placing a child in another home is complex, and there are a lot of factors and options to consider. If you want to learn more about this option, we encourage you to read through some of the other articles on our page and hear from women who have considered or chosen this path.

If you’ve experienced an unexpected pregnancy that resulted in miscarriage, you may be experiencing some conflicting emotions. This may feel like a lonely journey because few people talk about this kind of loss. As many as 26% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and about 51% of pregnancies are unexpected. This means that if you are experiencing an unintended pregnancy resulting in a pregnancy loss, you are not alone. If you’re finding it challenging to talk to your normal circle, consider finding a miscarriage support group such as Postpartum Support International.

Signs and Symptoms of Grief & Loss

How Do I Process These Feelings and Emotions?

Processing grief after an unexpected pregnancy is a personal journey, and it looks different for everyone. It can be difficult to understand what you’re feeling, but it’s important to remember that your grief is valid. It is important to make sure you are taking care of yourself.

Use this checklist to see how you are taking care of yourself and areas you may want to improve. Remember this looks different for everyone. If there is something not relevant to you, you can mark n/a.

•  I am eating 3 meals a day
• I am staying engaged with my community
• I am keeping my mind stimulated
• I am moving my body
• I am keeping all my appointments and obligations
• I am sleeping 6 to 8 hours each night
• I am being kind to myself
• I am taking my medications as prescribed
• I am able to say "no" when I need to or want to
• I am managing my responsibilities well 
• I am forgiving myself and others
• I am engaged in social activities
• I am journaling or engaging in an activity that supports my mental health
• I am engaging in things that bring me joy
• I am balancing “being” and “doing” (feeling my feelings and keeping busy)

Are there things you want to do that aren’t on this list? Add those below.

How will you incorporate 2-3 of these things into your week next week? Is there anyone in your village who can support you in this?

Here are a few steps to help you process these emotions:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings: Grief doesn’t always fit neatly into a box. It may come and go, and it can be triggered by things you didn’t expect. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel without judgment. Your emotions are valid, and they deserve space. [1]
• Look for the Signs of Grief: Grief can show up in unexpected ways, including physical symptoms like fatigue or sleep disturbances, emotional symptoms like sadness or anger, or even cognitive and behavioral symptoms such as difficulty concentrating or avoidance. If you notice any of these signs, they may be your body’s way of signaling that you’re processing something deeper.3
• Create Space for Yourself: Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. There is no “right” way to grieve, and it doesn’t follow a linear path. Be gentle with yourself and allow for the ups and downs that might come with the journey.4
• Seek Support: Don’t walk this journey alone. Whether it’s a counselor, a support group, or a trusted friend, seek out people who can listen without judgment. Sometimes, just talking through your emotions can help you begin to understand them. Professional support, including mental health services, can provide valuable guidance.5
• Be Kind To Yourself: Remember that grief is not something you get over, it’s something you work through. Be kind to yourself. Healing is not immediate, and there is no timeline for how long it should take. 

You are not alone in this

This journey can feel isolating. She Might was created so that you could find community and never feel like you are walking this journey alone. We have expert clarity coaches available 7 days a week to provide a safe space for you to process. Additionally, She Might’s community offers a secure virtual space to link up with peers and experts, perfect for those questions that seem impossible to answer elsewhere.

sources:

1. Worden, J. W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (4th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.
2. Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Lexington Books.
3. Maunder, R. G., & Hunter, J. (2009). Pregnancy and Grief: A Review of the Literature. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 27(4), 380-392.
4. Rando, T. A. (1993). Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Research Press.
5. American Psychological Association (APA). (2021). Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: The Impact on Women’s Health. Retrieved from: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2021/03/postpartum-depression