On November 29th, 2015, I made a choice. My boyfriend and I decided that we were going to be happy, no matter what a piece of plastic said, and that whatever we would face, it would be together. We had been silently stressing all weekend—certain that soon, the pregnancy test would confirm what we suspected. That day, we drove to the neighborhood Walmart after our parents were asleep, bought a test, and brought it back to my parent’s house.
After taking the test, I returned to my bedroom where my boyfriend was waiting for me, a positive pregnancy test in hand.
I remember shaking and laughing as he hugged me when I told him we were going to have a baby.
I remember feeling excited and scared at the same time.
We had talked a lot about getting married and having kids someday. ‘Someday’ came much sooner than we had planned, but we consciously decided that we wanted to remember this moment, finding out we were going to be parents, as a happy one. We wanted to be able to tell our children that discovering I was pregnant was a blessing, regardless of how ready we were to receive it.
We were in our final year of college and had planned on getting jobs and having a year or so before getting married and a few more years before having kids. After discovering I was pregnant, we had to make some hard decisions. We decided that I would stay home after the baby was born because my due date was only two months after graduation. I guess you could say our choice was easy. We loved each other, and had already decided we wanted to get married and have a family.
I was conflicted about the decision to stay home with the baby but knew it was our best option. On one hand, I was relieved. On the other hand, I was stressed. My fiancé had a job that would pay the bills, but we had no emergency funds and our weekly grocery trip was always meticulously planned out to ensure we didn’t overdraft our bank account.
While our initial choice had a clear answer, the next nine months were not as easy. We faced intense negative emotions and judgment from some family and friends. I was heartbroken when a “friend” of mine said the only reason I was getting married was because I got “knocked-up.” Even worse was a family member who told us they would never love our baby.
As a Protector, I wanted so desperately to shield my little family from all of this and felt guilty when I let anger and fear get the best of me.
For the most part, our story has been one filled with our loved ones lifting us up and being a place of comfort. One friend’s words remain with us both to this day, “No one stays mad about a baby.” Maybe that’s not true for everyone, but it has been true for us. (Even the person who hurtfully said they would never love the baby.)
The day our daughter was born brought so much joy and healing to our family. Four months later we were married and five years later, no one is mad about our precocious little Kindergartener.
I learned a lot about grace and seeking forgiveness during this period of my life. I had to choose to forgive people who never apologized and probably don’t even remember the horrible things they said. Letting go of the anger and hurt was important for my healing.
This is not to say that I would have tolerated ongoing abuse from family or friends. It is okay to set boundaries and remove abusive or toxic people from your life. It is also okay to forgive them and move forward (with or without them).
In the last five years, we have overcome job losses, career changes, and parenting role changes. There have been days where the only thing holding us all together are the vows my husband and I made to each other. These circumstances have brought substantial anxiety to my Protector heart.
For a long time, I didn’t think we would ever get past living paycheck to paycheck. I remember one morning waking up to two flat tires on our only car, an overdraft bank account, and an empty fridge thinking this is just how our life was going to be.
And then the old adage that it takes a village was being lived out in my life. My in-laws put new tires on our car and my mom brought over a gift card for groceries. Through continued hard work and gradually improving job situations, our burdens have lightened. We have placed our faith in God and each other, and five years later, it feels like we are turning a corner in our lives.
Today, I work for a company I love, doing work that is meaningful and fulfilling. My boyfriend became my husband and we had two more boys after our daughter. Even though most days are long, loud, messy, and stressful, there is a lot of love in our home.
My unexpected pregnancy accelerated a lot of our plans and altered some others forever. But honestly, I’m not ashamed of the path our life has taken and I wouldn’t go back and change it. If I could offer any comfort to my younger self it would be this:
It’s okay if you can’t see it all played out right now.The baby in your arms thinks you hung the moon. She will tell fantastical stories and sing songs that will make you laugh and smile and honestly, drive you a little crazy. You will be a good mom and a good wife and a good worker and a good friend, even if you don’t always feel that way. You will be more than okay.