Picture being in a marriage that you know you need to get out of, drowning in bills, debt, and your mental health is leaving you feeling something like 2007 Britney Spears. Now imagine that you just found out that you are pregnant…with your best friend’s baby. No, this isn’t the script of a daytime soap opera. This was my reality in the fall of 2020.

I know, I know. I “should have” made better choices. I “should have” been more careful. But as my mom often told me, hindsight is 20/20. Spiraling through all the “should haves” wasn’t going to change the reality of my pregnancy test.

Love and Loss

An unexpected pregnancy rarely happens in ideal circumstances, and it often comes with a barrage of intense emotions: anger at yourself for ‘letting’ it happen, fear for the future, confusion over what choice you feel is best, and grief for the loss of life as you knew it.

In my case, along with all these emotions, it also came with a feeling that I hadn’t anticipated—love. I’ve had a child and an abortion at different times in my life, so I knew the challenges and emotions that can accompany both. I was head over heels in love with this baby.

A couple of short weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I was doing my standard treadmill workout at the gym when a crippling pain in my abdomen caused me to stumble off the machine and fall to my knees. Before I could get to the nearby hospital, I started bleeding. I found out that the pregnancy was ectopic, and had ruptured. There was nothing they could do to save the pregnancy.

Now, I had all of this love and nowhere to channel it. I’d gone from struggling with my life to shock and shame to love and excitement to devastation and confusion. I felt guilty for every emotion that came up and I had no idea how to process any of them.

Unexpected Doesn’t Mean Unwanted

The first thing that I had to come to terms with is that unexpected or unintended are not synonyms for unwanted. We rarely plan meeting our best friends or the love of our life, but we bond with them just the same.

Despite having the power to flip my world upside down, I admitted that I wanted this pregnancy. I’ll admit that abortion crossed my mind, but weighing options is a healthy thing to do. I wasn’t less deserving to grieve because of fleeting thoughts.

Emotionally healing from a miscarriage is a complicated process. Grieving the loss is a process that comes in many stages and is not linear. A small yet important choice I made while grieving was naming my baby (we chose Zelda) in my journaling and my thoughts.

Here are some other journaling prompts for coping with the loss of your baby. If you aren’t ready for a certain prompt, it’s okay to skip it.

• What do I wish I could tell my baby?
• Has this changed whether I want to have a baby?
• What made me realize that I was miscarrying? (Describe the process in detail, including emotions and thoughts that you had.)I feel most hopeful for my future when…
• What small healing steps can I take today? This week? This month?In what ways can I honor my baby’s memory?
• What do I feel like I am missing out on?
• Are there certain things that are triggering for me right now? What are my options for addressing these triggers?

For more journaling prompts you can download this worksheet.

Remember to give yourself time to heal. This will not be an overnight process, but over time you will physically and emotionally regain balance.

Radically Accept Your Emotions

Observe any thoughts that indicate that you are fighting reality such as “it shouldn’t be this way.” Practice accepting your situation, thoughts, and emotions through affirmative self-talk, relaxation techniques or imagery.

Imagine what behaviors you would engage in, what you would say and what it would feel like if you were able to accept things as they are.

Attend to any uncomfortable bodily sensations that come up as you go through this exercise and allow anger, guilt, disappointment, sadness, and any other emotions you have to arise without judgment.

Connect With Others Who Have Experienced Pregnancy Loss

Just as we aren’t taught how to handle an unexpected pregnancy or a miscarriage, neither are our friends or loved ones. There’s no script for comforting someone who is struggling because they don’t know your thoughts or triggers. Their way of comforting might seem insensitive or invalidating. This is especially true when it comes to miscarriage and double true when it’s the result of an unexpected pregnancy.

People might try to remind you that you can “get back to your life now,” or you “can just try again later,”” or that “the situation resolved itself.” As invalidating as these statements are, they’re typically out of ignorance to your situation and not malice.

This may feel like a lonely journey because few people talk about this kind of loss. As many as 26% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and about 51% of pregnancies are unintended. This means that if you are experiencing an unintended pregnancy resulting in a pregnancy loss you are not alone. If you’re finding it challenging to talk to your normal circle maybe consider finding a miscarriage support group such as Postpartum Support International.

If you don’t know the cause of pregnancy loss, it might also put your mind at ease to visit a healthcare provider to have someone to talk to and to eliminate any underlying conditions that could affect you or future pregnancies.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

Regardless of how this unexpected pregnancy came to be, what choices you considered, or what emotions popped up—you still have every right to grieve your pregnancy loss in whatever way you feel comfortable as you move toward accepting what happened.

As you stumble along on your journey, remember that letting go doesn't mean forgetting. During pregnancy, a baby shares some of its cells with the woman, so your baby will always be a part of you—physically and mentally.

The content on She Might is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the She Might Website.