My dad had always been my number one fan. As a little girl, he was my best friend. My parents supported my ambitions and I would hear him say, “That’s my girl!” with pride and approval.

Now, I sat in the car with my boyfriend as we drove four hours over a winding mountain pass to tell my dad that I was pregnant. I was miserable on that car ride. I felt numb, I wanted the ground the swallow me up. I thought he would be so disappointed in me, and he would never look at me the same way he had.

The regret, guilt, and shame I felt may be how you’re feeling at this exact second. You don’t know how to reconcile your pregnancy news with who you are or who others have made you out to be, so the negative thoughts pound your mind:

Utter numbness and self-hate puts you to sleep at night.

I want to share with you a conversation I had with She Might Clarity Coach Erin Galloway, LMSW. Erin regularly coaches women who find themselves pregnant and are struggling to decide what to do. She explained to me how we can process regret, overcome shame, and choose to lay a foundation for an abundant life.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are closely related, but the ways to deal with these emotions are different. Professors of Psychology at George Mason University—June P. Tangney, Jeff Stuewig & Logaina Hafez—argue there are three differentiators between guilt and shame.

First, shame may be the result of a moral infraction but also can have a broader source while guilt always has a moral component.

Secondly, the article states, “ …shame is the more “public” emotion arising from exposure to disapproving others, whereas guilt is the more “private” experience represented by internally-generated pangs of conscience.”

Thirdly, shame focuses more on the self, whereas guilt focuses more on the action. “This differential emphasis on self (‘I did that horrible thing’) vs. behavior (‘I did that horrible thing’) sets the stage for different emotional experiences and different patterns of motivation and subsequent behavior.”

Why does this matter? Well, there is a difference between:

Guilt comes from regretting an action because it fell short of a standard you believe in. Guilt can catalyze you to use your agency to control the situation and make the situation right by making choices that meet your moral standards. You have the power to change the situation with your future actions.

Shame directs you inward and takes away your agency. No matter what you do next, you still are stuck in the belief that because you’re pregnant it has forever altered your self-worth.

Everyone responds to an unexpected pregnancy differently. Find out how you are coping to access tools tailored to your unique struggles.

Processing Regret and Guilt

I am the type of person that dwells on the past, redoing things in my mind that in reality cannot be undone. Erin explains how dwelling on things that you cannot change is not only unproductive but can lead to harmful thought patterns. Part of healing is accepting some hard things and then figuring out how we are going to respond.

Erin suggests that the first thing to do is come to accept the fact that you are pregnant. You may regret the past decisions that brought you to this place. Erin defines regret as, “Disappointment or sadness about something in the past or a decision you made. For example, this could feel like a sense of loss because of a missed opportunity, or anger for having unprotected sex or not properly using contraception.”

For some reason, you fell short of your standards. Maybe you failed to live up to a moral standard you hold; maybe this pregnancy will impact the expectations you have for your future life; or maybe this burdens you in a way that you feel you cannot handle. For some reason, unique to you and your experience, you’re dealing with this sense of regret. You might be spiraling into past actions thinking over and over things you could have done differently. This leads to shame.

Deciding Not to Live in Shame

Shame is experienced as an internal emotion. It leads to a sense of worthlessness, self-blame, and inadequacy. Brene Brown explains, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Shame is something that can take root in you and choke out your ability to find joy or hope.

Erin explained, “Shame can make a decision more challenging because it can cloud your judgment. You may be tempted to make an impulsive choice or make a choice without really thinking about it. That's why it's important, I think, to seek out support, because they can help you to identify if you're experiencing these emotions. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or professional such as a therapist or a coach. Speaking to someone else can help you manage your internal monologue so you don’t spiral into shame.”

So how do you break through the darkness of inadequacy, self-judgment, and hopelessness and have a bright future?

Not Being Defined by an Unexpected Pregnancy

Erin suggests that it is natural, even helpful, to have regret stemming from guilt. We can regret something, learn from it, and try a different approach next time. Of course, that is easy to say when you regret an outfit choice or how much you drank last night, but it is a lot harder to do when you become pregnant.

As Brene Brown said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

If your next step is making a pregnancy decision Erin suggests, “You may feel pressure to make a decision before your pregnancy progresses further, or because you just want the situation to disappear. Making a pregnancy decision can feel overwhelming and can drive us to make a quick decision out of fear. A decision made out of fear or shame may not leave you open to healing from this experience. Here are some steps you can take to make a wholehearted decision:

• Explore your fears and process what it would take to overcome those fears.
• Explore the pros and cons of your options and envision what life could look like if you decided to _________ (fill in the blank with the options you are considering).
• Remember, life comes in seasons so it is important to envision what those seasons could be like. 
• Be aware of your emotions.
• How do you feel when you think about continuing your pregnancy? Terminating the pregnancy? Making an adoption plan?”

Before making a pregnancy decision try some of these tools:

• Journaling
• Going on a walk
• Breathing or relaxation exercises
• Talking with a safe person

If you have made a pregnancy decision and regret your choice, know that this is not the end of your beautiful journey. You cannot change the past, but you have a choice of how to live in the present. Erin said: “Giving yourself compassion. I always encourage people to talk to a safe person, whether that's a professional, or someone in your life that you trust. Because, again, these are some things that if you internalize everything, and if you isolate, that darkness is gonna stay dark.”

Give Yourself Grace

Remember you are worthy of love. Being pregnant has not changed your worth. You are a bright, smart, lovely, successful person. You deserve help right now. I’m proud of you for seeking out support. No matter what weight you carry in your heart remember you are the only one that can make yourself feel ashamed and you are in control of this moment and the next.