My experience and the advice I offer in this article assumes that the relationship in question is not abusive. If you feel unsafe with your partner or you feel that you or your child is in danger, you should absolutely seek safety and shelter away from your abuser.
Facing an unexpected pregnancy is difficult. Facing uncertainty about your relationship status is difficult. Doing both feels insurmountable. If you find yourself wondering how you’re going to keep it all together, rest assured, you’re not the first, or last person to be here.
When I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant, I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions. I had to make decisions about my future, the future of my baby, and my relationship with her father.
Here are three questions I would encourage you to think through as you discern your future together.
Would we be together if we weren’t having a baby?
An unexpected pregnancy can force you to make a lot of decisions quickly. First, I had to sort through my pregnancy options. Then we had to decide if we were truly in love and wanted to get married. This had been the plan, but being pregnant really put our relationship decision in focus.
It is better to evaluate your relationship and make that determination now rather than rushing into a long-term commitment.
We had to answer honestly:
- Would we be together if we weren’t having a baby?
- Do we feel pressured to get married because of our current situation and/or family expectations?
- Is marriage and family something we envisioned for our future together?
- Are we willing and able to have healthy and respectful conversations regarding our relationship and parenting decisions?
Marriage is likely not going to be the right decision for every couple facing an unexpected pregnancy. However, no matter what you decide regarding your relationship, nothing will change the fact that you are this baby’s mother and he is this baby’s father. That reality makes you a permanent part of each other’s lives.
Are we in this together?
Do you view this as a shared experience?
It is natural to feel alone when facing an unexpected pregnancy. My boyfriend was the only person who was truly sharing this experience with me. Nothing can change the fact that you both are this child's parents. I’d love to challenge you to see this as an opportunity for you to grow closer even if the relationship is going to be platonic moving forward.
How are you both responding?
Take a pulse check. How are you both doing with your unexpected news? Maybe your situation is bringing out a lot of anger, doubt, frustration or resentment. If he is not walking through this experience with you, then maybe he’s not marriage material. It is important that you both find a healthy and respectful way to process and express these emotions.
Remember that you are both experiencing something life-changing.
A relationship that continues beyond an unexpected pregnancy is like gold coming through fire. You can be stronger because you tackled something life-changing together. This is a great way to see if you want to spend the rest of your life together.
You will learn a lot about each other through this experience. Be aware of resentment, coping mechanisms, and communications styles as you navigate the stress of this new season. Give yourself grace, give your partner grace, and do what you can to learn from the experience.
What if it doesn’t work out?
Be honest with your partner and accept their honesty in return, even if it isn’t what you want to hear. If you are not going to continue in a romantic relationship, what does parenting look like for you?
Co-Parenting: If you and your partner are committed to parenting, but not staying together romantically, then co-parenting might be a great option for you.
Being a Birth Parent: If you don’t think parenting will work without your significant other, you could consider choosing adoption.
Being a Single Parent: It may be best, or maybe inevitable, that the father will not be involved in your or your child’s life. Single motherhood may be daunting, but for many women it is the best option to create a bright future. If you decide to enter into single parenthood, know that this is not the end of your romantic life. You can and will be an amazing parent, and you can still find love as a parent..
Finding Support
We’ve compiled some resources that you may find helpful as you navigate your relationship with your partner.
Disclaimer: We know that nurturing healthy relationships is vital. While we've listed resources to offer guidance and support, She Might doesn't endorse any particular relationship counselor, therapist, or resource. Your relationships are your own, so trust your instincts and seek professional guidance when needed.
For relationship support:
- A trusted online source for relationship advice and tools. Whether you're looking to improve communication, resolve conflicts, or strengthen your relationship, they offer expert guidance for lasting happiness in your relationships.
For navigating co-parenting:
- Our Family Wizard is an app designed to facilitate effective communication and coordination among co-parents. It streamlines communication, scheduling, and expenses to make shared parenting easier and more organized.
- TalkingParents offers a comprehensive communication platform for co-parents, providing tools such as secure messaging, unalterable records, shared calendars, and accountable payments. These features help streamline co-parenting tasks, ensuring all interactions are documented and easily accessible. By centralizing communication, TalkingParents helps parents focus on their children’s well-being and reduces conflicts. They have a subscription based model, as well as a free model.