If you're worried about bringing a child into this world, you’re not alone. According to a Pew Research study, lots of people--30% of adults under age 50--cite financial reasons, the state of the world, or climate change as the main reason they want to be childfree.

If you find yourself staring at an unexpected positive pregnancy test without the money or ability to raise a child, abortion may appear as the most responsible choice. It may even seem better than placing your child in an adoption system that doesn’t always seem to have their best interest at heart. The overwhelming gloom of the world begs the question: is having kids selfish, whether you place them for adoption or choose to parent?

Weighing pros and cons by evaluating myths

The growing debate about the selfishness of parenthood and the virtues of being childfree often involves some key myths. The problem with these myths isn’t that they lead to the choice to not have children: they encourage men and women to harbor deeply negative, cynical views towards children based on false assumptions. Keep reading to learn what antinatalism (a movement that argues for the inherent selfishness of reproduction) gets wrong. 

Myth 1: It’s Cruel to Subject Children to a Future of Climate Catastrophe

Policy makers and think tanks have predicted that human life will be damaged or eradicated within the next few decades. It’s no wonder that many climate change activists are avoiding having children because they are concerned that future generations will face a world irreparably harmed. But it’s important to recognize that even though climate change is a serious problem that needs to be addressed, this prediction about the future is not universally held by all experts.

Bjørn Lomborg, president of the Copenhagen Consensus Center and former director of the Danish government’s Environmental Assessment Institute, argues that climate alarmism is based on misleading interpretations of climate data. These extrapolations predict socioeconomic impacts that frighten people and make them feel powerless.

While Lomborg has written several books on this topic, a 2021 op-ed for the Wall Street Journal takes on one example of such data massaging. Lombard writes:

“In their call for “emergency action” on climate change last week, editors of the world’s leading medical journals relied in large part on a misleading claim that heat deaths are rising rapidly. Global warming does cause more heat deaths, but the editors’ statistic is deceptive. They say global heat deaths have gone up by 54% among old people in the past 20 years, but they fail to mention that the number of old people has risen by almost as much. Demographics drove most of the rise, not climate change. They also leave out that climate change has saved more lives from temperature-related deaths than it has taken…Today about 116,000 more people die from heat each year, but 283,000 fewer die from cold.”

American environmentalist Michael Shellenberger, in his 2020 book Apocalypse Never: Why Environmental Alarmism Hurts Us All, makes similar claims that dire predictions about climate change are not only inaccurate but actively harming potential environmental progress.

While climate change is a complicated topic, it is worth exploring our assumptions when we’re weighing the choice to have children. For a decision that will have a lifelong impact, isn’t it worth being certain that our reasoning behind those decisions is based on careful consideration, rather than fear or anxiety?

This leads us to the next myth, one that also often stems from fear…

Myth 2: Kids will ruin your life financially

In the U.S., the average kid costs $233,610 over 17 years without including the cost of higher education, according to a 2017 USDA report based on 2015 figures. This amount is over 4 times the median family income in 2015. No way you can afford kids if you want a decent roof over your head and food in your fridge, right?

The realities of crushing student debt and an uncertain economic future might make children seem financially untenable. But the truth is that unexpected circumstances can be the very thing that pushes us to transform for the better.

There are numerous online resources to teach you about the true cost of children, showing you that it is possible to keep expenses within a reasonable range that is not represented by national figures. She Might has several detailed resources that break down baby costs in the first year, surviving unpaid maternity leave, and finding affordable infant daycare.

In addition, there are several budget coaches and financial planners who dealt with an unplanned pregnancy and learned how to financially thrive.

Don’t be afraid to lean on your support network, even for financial stress. While the pandemic encouraged a culture of self-isolation, it only sped up society’s already-present trend toward living alone. The lifestyles that we see in social media and TV set up unrealistic expectations. When we see women with a prestigious career, a fabulous home, and adorable children, it makes us feel like we are supposed to do all these things on our own.

Throughout human history, children have most commonly been supported not only by their mothers but by extended family and their local community. If you find the idea of raising a child daunting, consider your support system. Have you only imagined raising children without leaning on your social circle to help you, something that is not actually necessary or even good for your children?

Myth 3: Kids will ruin your social life and emotional wellbeing

The idea that kids ruin your work life or social life and emotionally drain you may also not be as true as you might think. Pop culture portrays moms and dads stretched to their breaking point. The 2016 movie Bad Moms comedically tackled this idea, suggesting that moms who did not allow children to completely erase their individual identity were somehow “bad,” while losing yourself as a mom is the default “good.” Full rebellion from the mom identity was the only way to regain one’s happiness and sanity.

Of course, being a parent is a full-time commitment. However, research suggests that maintaining your individuality as a parent by nurturing your adult relationships actually improves child outcomes. Giving children appropriate space and independence, a roundup of studies at Psychology Today suggests, led children to become healthier, well-adjusted adults compared to so-called “helicopter parents.” So not only are kids not detrimental to your adult life but continuing to honor your individual identity as a parent will actually benefit your children at the same time.

Myth 4: Kids benefit only the parents while hurting a world threatened by overpopulation

Paradoxically, at the same time that antinatalists maintain that kids are parasitic to one’s wellbeing, they also often claim that adults want children to fulfill selfish desires. Antinatlists often claim that people who want children are narcissistic. This is why they need their unique DNA to carry on, want to produce a human who will love them, or desires the positive attention that comes with parenthood. But if children are truly costly, why would a self-serving person choose to have children? Myths 2, 3, and 4 cannot be true at the same time.

The truth is somewhere in between. Children do require financial, emotional, and social sacrifices. Some people do take comfort in the idea that once they die, their legacy will continue through their offspring. But the reality of these facts does not mean that children are a net burden on parents, nor a net burden on the world.

What children offer the world

In fact, parents and society have much to gain by welcoming children. While the fear of overpopulation underlies many childfree adults’ reasoning that children are a selfish indulgence, research shows that we need to start having more children to make the world better.

Birth rates have been declining steadily in the developed world: in the U.S., birth rates have declined 19% since 2007. China, one of the world’s most populated countries, is losing an estimated 400,000 people annually, and their population is expected to be cut in half—a loss of 600-700 million people—by 2100. Overpopulation is simply not a problem on a global scale, and so it doesn’t make sense to avoid having children to help overpopulation.

Christopher Murray, a researcher at the University of Washington who co-authored a 2020 Lancet study on global population decline, argues that any environmental gains as a result of declining populations will be far outweighed by the economic damage of a rapidly aging human society. In an interview with the BBC, Murray illustrated this danger by asking, “Who pays tax in a massively aged world?” Who pays for healthcare for the elderly?”

While not having children for environmental reasons might seem virtuous, Murray’s study suggests that choosing to be childfree may be making things worse for human life, not better. Ironically, it may be that the more kids we have now, the less suffering humanity will have to endure in the future.

And that leads us to the last, and perhaps most destructive myth…

Myth 5: You have nothing to lose by remaining childfree

More time, more money, and more opportunities to travel and enjoy adult activities are just a few of the many gains that antinatalists emphasize in their choice to be childfree. No children, at first glance, seems like a win-win: society is better off, and the would-be parent is better off, right? But why do we assume that there is no loss in the choice to be childfree?

Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, and Eartha Kitt are just a few of the countless lives that were almost aborted but which changed the world. You might think that it is impossible that your offspring will create a positive, let alone world-changing effect. But that assumption can be based on lies we tell ourselves when we are unable to love or appreciate our inherent value.

You may find yourself thinking that you could never raise a child that made an impact. Consider taking the time to fill out our worksheet that helps you process your pregnancy and make an informed decision based on confidence rather than fear or self-hatred.

Anti-natalist Attitudes are Not New

Your anxiety, dread, or dislike toward having children might feel unique to your life and the difficult circumstances you’re facing. But it turns out humans have always questioned reproduction. It is natural for humans to doubt ourselves, and there is nothing particularly bad about today’s world that has brought on unique uncertainties.

The idea that having children is selfish or not worth it has formed a part of Western discourse since Greco-Roman antiquity. In Oedipus at Colonus, the Greek writer Sophocles mused, “It is best not to have been born at all: but, if born, as quickly as possible to return whence one came."

Many anti natalist arguments operate on the principle that since life inevitably involves suffering, it would be better to eliminate suffering by avoiding the creation of new lives which will suffer. But is suffering actually something we should avoid?

If you’re reading this while unexpectedly pregnant, you might think that things cannot get worse. But have there ever been any other times in your life when suffering was not merely the byproduct of achieving a goal, but instrumental to positive growth and change in your life?

The saying that “diamonds are created through immense pressure” is cheesy, but true: some of the best parts of humanity emerge directly from conditions of suffering, not simply despite suffering. Instead of avoiding suffering, what if we embraced hard moments for the potential they have to make us better?

Childbearing or Childfree: The Choice is Not Simple

That positive pregnancy test in your hand, or the fear of a future positive test, might feel like the problem. It might feel like an insurmountable obstacle that you need to make go away as quickly as possible before it can ruin your life more than it already has.

But have you considered the possibility that this is not a problem, but an opportunity? A potential to change your life, and other lives, for the better? Suffering is inevitable in life, but isn’t growth, change, and hope equally inevitable? Don’t you owe it to yourself to consider the good possibilities of an unexpected pregnancy as much as the bad?