When you’re facing an unexpected pregnancy, breaking the news may feel like one of the hardest conversations to have. 

Whether you’re in college, working your dream job, or weren’t planning on children, telling your parents about an unexpected pregnancy can leave you feeling hopeless and even like a disappointment.

I was 20 years old when I found out my boyfriend and I were expecting. I was in my third year of college, and I had a full-time job and was financially independent. By all accounts, I was a thriving young adult. Yet, the news of my unexpected pregnancy made me feel like a child again. I didn’t know how to break the news of my unexpectedpregnancy to my parents.

Your situation may not look exactly like mine. In fact, you can have the greatest relationship with your parents and still experience feelings of shame and regret. But whether your parents offer you their support or not, you are the author of your story. You know what is best for you at this crossroad.

In this article, I’ll provide practical tips for telling your parents about your pregnancy,so you can approach this conversation with confidence.

Why telling your parents matters

When facing an unexpected pregnancy, it can be tempting to hide the news from the world, especially your parents. But there are few things more empowering than the unwavering love, support, and wisdom of healthy parents who want your good.

When I found out I was pregnant at a young age, I let fear and shame consume me. I had done the one thing many parents beg their children not to do-get pregnant as their life is just beginning.

Breaking the news to my parents felt unbearable, so I hid my pregnancy,  including my dad, for six months. I probably would’ve hidden my pregnancy from my mom, too, had I not been living with her at the time.

Now, years later, I recognize that  the cons of this decision far outweighed the pros. I encourage you to tell your parents you’re pregnant instead of hiding your big news! Here’s some advice to guide you through this tough conversation.

Rationalize the outcomes

If the idea of breaking the news about your pregnancy makes your stomach turn, try rationalizing the outcomes that make you fearful.

• I don’t know how to tell my mom I’m pregnant. She has a short temper, and I’m afraid of her reaction. Determine the best timing, work through possible scenarios, and prepare your response. Keep in mind that oftentimes your parents just want what they think is best for you.
• I can’t stand the thought of disappointing my parents. Remember that disappointment is possible, but it will rarely last forever.
• Telling someone about my pregnancy makes it real. If you’re still considering your pregnancy options, perhaps sharing the news with your parents could provide the wisdom you need to make an informed decision.

If you can make peace with the change happening in your life, you’ll feel more confident tackling this conversation. In a healthy relationship, your parents will likely value your courage and see that you understand the depths of your decision.

Prepare for the conversation

In nearly all aspects of life, preparation and practice is key. Prepare what you’re going to say in advance and consider role-playing different scenarios with a trusted friend or mentor prior to the conversation.

Be specific in the message you want to get across and use gentle wording that will manage your parents’ expectations and, most importantly, acknowledge their feelings.

Here are just a few ideas of how to break the news of unexpected pregnancy:

• “I have some difficult but exciting news to share. I’m pregnant.”
• “I realize this might be difficult to process, but I’m pregnant and want you to know.”
• “It’s difficult for me to share this news with you, but I am pregnant and would really love your support in figuring out what I’m going to do.”

Be prepared to answer difficult questions and express your thoughts about the pregnancy. If you decide to parent, consider sharing your plan post-baby to help your loved one visualize the possibilities.

Determine a time and place to talk

I told my mom about my unexpected pregnancy after having experienced a rough day myself. At the time, I felt like I just needed parental support. It was late at night, and she definitely was not prepared for the weight of the news I was about to share.

It will never feel like the appropriate time to break the news of an unexpected pregnancy, but keeping the following tips in mind is a great start:

• If your parents are divorced, figure out if you want to break the news separately or together.
• Perhaps you feel more comfortable sharing the news in a public setting-you might consider taking your parents out to lunch or dinner.
• If your parents have had a long day, you might want to hold off sharing the news until they’re in a more positive headspace.

Lead with compassion and give your mom or dad space to digest the news if needed.

Anticipate an emotionally-charged reaction and know when to listen

While you can’t control the way your parents react, you can prepare yourself for their initial reaction. After all, you know your parents well.

When I first opened up about my pregnancy, I was met with tears, rage, regret, and grief. I was defensive and accusatory. The back and forth dispute didn’t give my mom the proper space to process the news.

You may be thinking-I’m the pregnant one. I’m the person whose life has been severely altered. I’m the one who needs support.

While this all may be true, understand your parents are likely filled with some of the same emotions you experienced after receiving a positive pregnancy test- shock, fear, disappointment, embarrassment.

The news of your unexpected pregnancy may overwhelm them with grief, in the sense that the plans they imagined for you and your life seem lost or out of reach.

Be gracious with your loved one’s words. Though it may feel otherwise, a parent’s knee-jerk reaction isn’t an attack on your character or who you are as a person.

At this point, your parents may feel like they let you down. They may anticipate and fear judgment from their own friends and family for their ‘missed mark’ in parenting. A harsh sentiment is likely a reflection of all these things combined.

Remain calm and remind them (and yourself) that they did nothing wrong. If they’ve empowered you to openly share this news confidently with them, don’t be afraid to let them know. Sometimes, our parents need encouragement, too.

Prepare an exit plan

In a best-case scenario, you and your parent might shed some tears and hug it out. In a worst-case scenario, you might exchange some uncomfortable words, and you may even need to remove yourself from the situation.

This is a sensitive time for both you and your parents. If you face a worst-case scenario, honor the additional space needed and throw the ball in their court. Continue the conversation once the initial shock has subsided.

Prepare an exit plan if you find the communication is faltering. Here are a few options:

• “I realize this is difficult news to digest, so I’m going to step out. I’m ready to talk when you are.”
• “I know you don’t mean any harm, but I don’t feel like you’re hearing me right now. Let’s reconvene when we’re both ready.”
• “I understand if you need some space to take this all in. I can answer your questions once we’ve both had time to process.”

The first few weeks after breaking the news to my mom were rough. And while both of my parents eventually offered their support, other members of my immediate family didn’t share the same sentiment.

Sometimes parents and other loved ones may never come around or accept the choices you’ve made, but support can come in many ways. Create your own support system through friends, mentors, and the father of your baby and their family if possible.

Believe in yourself

It’s completely normal to be fearful of announcing an unexpected pregnancy, especially when you have ambitious plans for your future. Breaking the news to your parents is often an uncomfortable experience. But in a healthy relationship, they deserve the chance to offer you their love and support, and you deserve to receive it.

Nearly six years after discovering the news of my pregnancy,, with five years of parenting expertise under my belt, I’d tell a younger me to believe in herself just a bit more. I’d encourage her to feel empowered to have these conversations. To have agency over her life and pregnancy decisions. And I’ll tell you the same.

Whether you’re a teen, college student, or working professional wondering how to break the news of unplanned pregnancy, trust yourself-you’ve got this. You may worry about judgment or belittlement from the people in your life.But remember, you’ve done an incredible job thus far. You’re making the decision that is right for you at this moment. And, you deserve to feel seen, heard and empowered.