Pregnancy can be complicated, especially when you weren’t expecting it. And your relationship with the ‘father’ only adds to the complexity. How do you tell him you're pregnant? How will he react? What are your expectations for him moving forward?

Many women wrestle with these questions after seeing a positive pregnancy test. 

Whether he’s the love of your life or not, it’s important to give this conversation the thought it deserves. Failing to make a plan and set expectations from the get-go could lead to confusion or tension that could erode your relationship long-term.

So read on for a step-by-step guide on how to tell your partner you’re pregnant (unexpectedly) based on the advice of women who’ve navigated this conversation firsthand.

How do you feel about the pregnancy?

Facing an unexpected pregnancy can be overwhelming. Give yourself time to process your emotions and collect your thoughts before sharing the news with your partner, family, or friends.

Karla was 17 when she discovered she was pregnant. Standing in a gas station parking lot, with a positive pregnancy test stuffed in her backpack, she called her boyfriend in the heat of the moment.

“I was an emotional wreck,” she said. “I would advise telling your boyfriend once you’ve had a chance to calm down yourself.”1

Figure out how you feel about your pregnancy before involving your partner. Consider opening your Notes app and taking a moment to brain-dump. Type down whatever comes to mind and collect your thoughts.

What are your expectations for him?

A lot of guys have no idea what to do when they hear the news. So, it’s a good idea to set your expectations for his role in the decision-making process and beyond.

Is your relationship healthy? Do you want him involved in the decision-making? If you choose to continue, do you want him involved in this pregnancy? Whatever your relationship status, here are some questions to consider:

• Are there ways you could benefit from his support? What would those look like?
• Will he be helpful in your decision-making process?
• Are there people you would like his help in telling about the pregnancy?

Taking a moment to list out the pros and cons of involving him can bring clarity about what role you want him to play in the situation.

How do you break the news?

Set a time and location.

Find a safe place and set a time to talk in person. Choose a space where you can speak openly and honestly.

“Make sure you are in a private setting when you share the news,” Elisa recommends. “A place where you can speak freely about your feelings.” 2

Tell him in person.

Karla, who broke her pregnancy news over the phone, strongly encourages telling him in person rather than over the phone or via text: “Knowing what I know now, I would do it in person because I couldn’t really tell how my partner was feeling or thinking.” 1

Consider bringing a friend.

If you don’t feel safe breaking the news to him alone, consider asking a friend or a family member you trust to join you.

How will he react?

Brace yourself.

This was unexpected for you, so you can assume it will be just as unexpected for him.

He may wonder if you’re joking and insist you take another pregnancy test He may start pacing the floor and asking questions. He may even remain calm and see the pregnancy in a more positive light than you do.

Elisa describes the moment she told her college boyfriend: “There was this shock factor—this moment of pause, and ‘let me process what you just told me.’” 3

“He didn’t freak out,” Elisa recalls.2 She was surprised by how calm his reaction was to the big news.

You never know how someone will react to the news, so prepare yourself.

Give him time to process the information.

If he reacts poorly, take his initial reaction with a grain of salt. “Keep in mind he may need some time to process it as well,” Elisa says. “His initial reaction may not reflect his true feelings or intent about the pregnancy long-term.” 2

You had the time you needed to process before telling him or others, so be willing to give them the same space to process.

What if he leaves?

It’s possible. You might go through this painstaking process only to see him walk away. If he chooses to walk away, I’m sorry—you deserve better. But perhaps, knowing you approached your relationship with intentionality will give you peace and clarity long-term.

Whatever happens as a result of your conversation, remember that your support system doesn’t just include your romantic partner. It extends to any friends and family who choose to step up and have your back.

What would his involvement look like?

Help him know how to support you.

You may need time to process your pregnancy. Crying, grieving, or even being angry is normal and okay. Pregnancy brings significant change.

“Men can go into ‘fix-it’ mode. An unexpected pregnancy is not a simple problem that needs fixing,” Elisa says, “It’s a complex issue that needs care and thought.” 2

If he truly wants to help you, tell him to listen first with a present mind. That means not judging you for your feelings and creating a safe space where you can be honest and open.

Discuss next steps.

If you want his support, consider inviting him into a conversation about the big decisions ahead. Listen to what he says and think about it. But remember, listening to his perspective doesn’t mean you have to act on it.

Questions to discuss with your partner to find clarity about your pregnancy.

If you decide to sit down with him to talk about the future of your pregnancy, consider using these questions as a roadmap for the conversation.

• What are your options?
• Which option(s) are you leaning towards and why?
• What are your reasons for preferring those options?
• What are your biggest concerns regarding this pregnancy?
• What is your gut telling you? Is there anything playing in your mind?
• had the baby?
• terminated the pregnancy?
• placed for adoption?
• Do you know people who have faced unexpected pregnancies? Would they be open to talking with you about their experiences?
• Think of a few people who inspire you. What would they do in your situation? How would they handle it?
• What values do you want to define this decision? What is important to you?

Moving forward

Discuss what moving forward looks like for you. At some level, your baby’s father will be involved in this pregnancy. If you can make his involvement something positive in your life, that will help you later down the road.

You might consider having him drive you to your next prenatal appointment or sit with you as you tell your parents. To the degree you’re comfortable, work together. Communicate what you need, and don’t be afraid to express it directly.

Conclusion

Telling your partner about your unexpected pregnancy is challenging. It involves processing your own feelings, setting realistic expectations, and finding a safe place to talk.

It may feel overwhelming, but it matters—not only for you, but also for your relationship. He may not react the way you expect, but you have no control over his reaction for better or worse. Karla, Jennifer, and Ieshia were pleasantly surprised by the support they received from their partners. But Elisa’s partner decided not to be involved.

When asked how the experience shaped her, Elisa recalls, “It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. But becoming a mother gave me a focus and drive I wouldn’t have without him. My son made me a better version of myself.”2

Now that you have the tools to start, it’s time to pick up your phone and schedule a time to talk with your partner—you’ve got this.

Need to make a pregnancy decision soon? Book a Clarity Call and get the clarity you need to move forward with confidence.