I knelt over a positive pregnancy test, crying tears of confusion. I have two kids, and a career that I love—how could I care for a third baby? My internal monologue became unhinged. I was excited! I was scared! How could I afford childcare for three kids? Babies are so cute! But we would need a bigger car. My brain flipped through the pros and cons of this life-changing moment next to the toilet.

My husband and I ultimately decided to embrace this unexpected change to our family. We told friends, planned how we would tell our family at Christmas, and told our toddlers that they were going to have a sibling. Three weeks later my period came on time.

I frantically googled: “What was going on?” I had been nauseous for weeks. I had multiple positive pregnancy tests. But here I was experiencing painful cramps and bleeding. Since I hadn’t missed a period, this seemed different than a miscarriage. One term kept coming up: Chemical Pregnancy.

What is a chemical pregnancy?

A chemical pregnancy is a very early pregnancy loss that occurs in the first 5 weeks of pregnancy. What makes a chemical pregnancy unique is that the pregnancy ends before viability can be established. The embryo develops and may even have implanted, but the pregnancy did not become viable. This is earlier than an ultrasound could detect the heartbeat or, in many cases, before a woman even realizes that she is pregnant.

During the early stages of pregnancy your body creates high levels of human chorionic gonadotrophic hormone (hCG). Pregnancy tests work by identifying these high levels of hCG, and have become more sensitive to this hormone as technology has progressed. As a result, women are finding out they are pregnant before missing a period.

How do I know I’m having a chemical pregnancy?

A chemical pregnancy can be confusing or unnoticed because it often happens around the same time as an expected period. According to the Cleveland Clinic, signs that you have experienced a chemical pregnancy are:

• Your period comes about a week later than usual.
• You have a positive pregnancy test, but then you get your period.
• You have a positive pregnancy test and then a negative pregnancy test a few weeks later.Your period is heavier than usual, and you’ve got more intense menstrual cramps.
• You have a positive pregnancy test, but you don’t notice the usual signs of early pregnancy.

Most chemical pregnancies end without any complications and do not require medical care. However, if you feel off, want to confirm that you are not pregnant, or are experiencing pain, you should contact your doctor. After your early pregnancy loss you may experience postpartum symptoms or hormonal imbalance. If you continue to experience these symptoms, set up an appointment with your medical provider.

How do I emotionally process a chemical pregnancy?

Chemical pregnancies can be confusing. Whether planned or not, the sudden change from pregnant to no longer pregnant can usher in a host of emotions. I had celebrated my pregnancy as a sign of welcoming a new baby and was planning for its arrival. But when the pregnancy ended suddenly, I did not feel permission to grieve because it didn’t seem to have the same gravity as a miscarriage. It somehow felt wrong to compare my pain to those who experience a miscarriage. So I tried to dismiss my grief.

Then I started experiencing postpartum symptoms—like the inability to lose weight, excessive hair loss, and roller coaster emotions. That forced me to face the fact that my body had experienced a pregnancy and was processing its loss. It was okay for me to deal with the loss emotionally as well.

You may feel a whole range of emotions: grief, relief, anger, joy, or sadness. Whatever you are experiencing, give yourself permission to accept those emotions. If a chemical pregnancy is not impacting you emotionally, that is totally okay! But if you are experiencing this as a miscarriage, take care of yourself as you enter the grief process. There is no right or wrong way to deal with a chemical pregnancy emotionally.

How do I communicate a chemical pregnancy to others?

Communicating what I was going through to my friends and family was challenging. I told a few close friends and neighbors that I was pregnant out of pure excitement. Then I had to awkwardly explain about two weeks later that I was no longer pregnant. People generally have no clue how to react to miscarriages, and this was no different.

Then, even though my husband had been excited about the pregnancy, the pregnancy loss did not affect him the way it affected me. I don’t blame any of these people for how they handled my grief. But the reality is that I left these conversations feeling isolated and misunderstood.

I tell you this to let you know that you are not alone. Your reaction to a chemical pregnancy—whether it be intense sadness, calm acceptance, or anything in between—is normal. It can be hard for you to explain to friends and family what you’re going through, and equally difficult for them to understand. But I encourage you to try anyway. Your support network wants to help, and you need their support.

You can say something like, “I know you may not understand, but I am feeling ____ because of the pregnancy loss and I need you to be here for me.” It is even better if you know how you want them to be there for you.

I wanted my husband to cry and be sad with me, but I cannot make someone feel something they are not feeling. So I asked for him to hug me while I cried at random times and to be empathetic when I needed this support seemingly out of the blue. I also spoke with friends and family even though I knew they wouldn’t react perfectly. The pain didn’t go away, but their support helped me process it.

There is no right or wrong way to feel

Was my pregnancy test just wrong? Was that just a hard period or was it a chemical pregnancy? Unfortunately, very early pregnancy loss does not give us clear cut answers to these questions. Remember you know your body best. What you know about your body and believe about the pregnancy will determine how you react.