You may be concerned about becoming a parent because of the trauma you’ve experienced in your life. You may wonder if it is possible for you to grow and heal enough to not pass on similar traumatic experiences when you become a parent.

I’ve wondered the same thing as I raise my young son. So, I reached out to Kristin Mefford, a She Might Clarity Coach and Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate, to talk to her about tools we can use to overcome generational trauma.

What is generational trauma and what does it mean for me?

First, it is important to understand what we mean when we say “trauma”. Kristin shares that trauma is anything that is overwhelming for one’s nervous system or beyond someone’s capacity at the time. In other words, trauma is not just limited to a large triggering event like an accident, war, natural disasters, or domestic violence.

Kristin explains, “So often, we think of trauma as being just one really large event. But trauma can actually be words spoken over us. It can be belief systems, it can be little events, it doesn't have to be these large events that you think about."

Generational trauma, also known as inherited trauma, is something that can impact a family for generations. I asked Kristin what is an example of this kind of trauma.

“For example, you may have a parent who’s had significant childhood trauma. They may not have been taught how to regulate themselves emotionally, and their nervous system was overloaded all the time. This could impact you because you didn't learn how to self-regulate. Then when you become a parent, you may struggle to help your child learn to regulate.

You can also see this in cycles that show up within a family system —maybe teenage pregnancy is common or family members who struggle with addiction. The underlying reasons behind these cycles could be due to generational trauma.”

So why is it important to understand this? Kristin’s answer is simple:

“We all come from a family system. It helps on a very basic level to understand that we are humans, and that when we are growing up, we don't get to decide what happens to us most of the time, especially with abuse and neglect. We didn't get to choose our parents, nor did they have control of how they were parented.

Knowing that you may have experienced trauma due to others actions can be a little irritating, right? It also can be a good place to start with healing. Just knowing where you're coming from, and what you're working with, is a great place to start. There is hope, even if it can seem like a frustrating process.”

How do Adverse Childhood Experiences impact us?

Adverse Childhood Experiences, commonly known as ACES are potentially traumatic events during childhood or environmental factors that can impact a child’s bonding, sense of stability, and sense of safety. There is a connection between the number of ACEs a person experiences and different negative outcomes in adulthood including chronic stress, poor physical and mental health, substance use, and risky behaviors.

About 64% of adults surveyed across the U.S. reported they had experienced at least one type of ACE before age 18, and nearly 1 in 6 reported they had experienced four or more types of ACEs.

Understanding your ACE score can be a really useful tool, as you gauge what types of trauma you’ve experienced and what tools you’ll need to heal.

Is generational trauma impacting my family?

I asked Kristin how we can identify if generational trauma is impacting our family. She said,

“A key indicator is if as an adult you start branching off and doing things that are abnormal for the family system—things that are healthy, like setting boundaries—and you see your current family system becomes disrupted by that action. People start getting angry because you’re setting boundaries or changing how you’ve been doing things.

A family is an interconnected system and each member’s actions or interactions will impact others, so if you do something that is different from what is typical, it may disrupt the system. This could be a positive thing.”

Another key indicator that you were impacted by trauma or generational trauma during childhood can be your attachment style, or how you deal with intimate relationships. Kristin notes,

“Your attachment style could be a symptom of the generational trauma that you've experienced, from not being able to get your needs met, or not being able to ask for your needs to be met as a child.”

What are the key steps towards healing?

Breaking the cycle of generational trauma and finding healing is a lifelong journey that requires self-awareness and patience. The first step in healing is recognizing where trauma may be impacting your life.

Kristin believes having someone outside your family system, like a therapist, is extremely helpful when healing from trauma.

“It's cliche, but the first step is to recognize where you are coming from and what you are working with. You can do this by going to therapy. There are huge benefits to sitting with a professional, who is a third party completely outside of your family system and life.

A lot of times with generational trauma, you are the cycle breaker. There can be a lot of responsibility with that. And a therapist can help carry some of that load with you and give you some practical steps so you're not just floating around life going, ‘How do I do this?’ They can give you some practical steps each week that can help you towards freedom.”

Here’s a list of additional steps to overcoming your inherited trauma. Some steps may be more difficult than others, but I believe that you are capable of facing this and taking the necessary steps for yourself and your family.

• Identify the patterns and cycles within your family. By doing this, you will be able to recognize where generational trauma may be impacting your family so you can work on stopping it.
• Have compassion for yourself and your family. This is so important! Be kind to yourself and your family members. Overcoming trauma is not easy and sometimes baby steps are actually huge steps.
• Talk about it with family members in a helpful way (sometimes having a third party to process can be helpful) in order to understand how they have experienced intergenerational trauma and what they have used to cope.
• Develop healthy relationships and a positive community. This may mean that you have to set hard boundaries with family members or friends. You need to be selective about who is allowed to be part of your child’s life in order to create a healthy environment for your child. I know it can be hard to set boundaries with family members, but sometimes it is necessary. This can also mean being intentional when dating. Be thoughtful when deciding to introduce your child to new people including new partners.
• Attend parenting classes. You may be very busy so this could feel like a huge time commitment, but parenting classes could benefit you while you are pregnant and once you are parenting. You may gain valuable skills and knowledge to help your child thrive.
• Kick Bad Habits. This means avoiding negative coping methods like substance abuse, isolation, negativity, leaving toxic relationships, and breaking other destructive patterns.
• Make tough decisions and be intentional about your parenting choices. As your child grows, you may have to say no or make tough decisions in order to protect your child. This isn’t easy, especially as your child enters into adolescence.

Taking control of your story

Taking on the role of a cycle breaker for your family is a courageous thing to do. You deserve this freedom, so do your children, and their children. You can be the person who creates a whole new legacy for your family.

But you don’t have to do it alone. There are mental health professionals, She Might Clarity Coaches, and your community willing to support you on this journey. Creating a toolbox of healthy coping skills and establishing positive patterns of behavior will set you and your kids up for success.