You’re sitting on the floor of your bathroom, the timer you set just went off and you pull a stick off the counter. You turn it over and get the shock of your life. You’re pregnant. This was not part of your plans for your immediate (or ever) future.
What do you do?
Who do you call? And how do you want them to respond?
What would you want them to say or do to help you in your situation?
I have sat with women who have “broken the news” to people with a variety of responses and helpfulness from their villages. In this article, I’m going to talk about being someone’s village, especially in light of an unexpected pregnancy. So whether you are pregnant and trying to figure out how to get through to your people about what you need, or you are someone’s support person and are wondering how to show up for them, you’re in the right place!
Take it all in
Getting the news that someone close to you is pregnant when they weren’t trying to be can be shocking. This is a crucial moment for your relationship, and for them to share with you the news. And you’re only human. It’s okay to be in shock yourself. If you need to take some time to process what they are telling you, do it. Take some time to gather yourself, your thoughts and maybe even your judgements. And communicate with them that you want to be there, but you need some time to process too.
Listen more than you speak
Whether you are sitting on the bathroom floor while she takes a pregnancy test or are finding out weeks later, give her the room. Let her vent. Let her process out loud. Let there be silence. Be very slow to speak. She might not be ready for feedback or a game plan quite yet. So go slow, and pay attention to her and how she’s feeling. Your words may hold a lot of weight in this moment, so use them carefully.
You can’t “fix” it
Personally It took me a really long time to realize that it’s not my job to fix every struggle or difficult situation that my friends or family would bring to me. If your friend or family member has shared about their unexpected pregnancy with you, it’s probably because you have demonstrated that you are a safe person for them, and they feel like they are in a vulnerable place. So remember this: there is nothing you can do to ‘fix’ or ‘handle’ this. And she’s not asking you to. Just being you and being there for her is enough.
Remember you’re not in control
If your partner is experiencing an unexpected pregnancy, you may be going through your own processing journey. And I want to tell you this: voicing your thoughts and feelings about this situation is important. Telling your partner that you’ll support her no matter what sounds great, but there has to be follow-up to that. We have heard from lots of women who hear those words with nothing else to hold onto feel like all the weight from this decision is on their shoulders. So step into this, even if it’s hard and uncomfortable. And if you’re looking for a way to process this together that is helpful and not hurtful, use our worksheet, Processing Your Pregnancy Together. For those of us who are a family member or friend, we have a role to play too. An unexpected pregnancy might mean that she’s making a decision. Depending on your relationship with her, your opinion about her options may hold some weight. She may not be ready to think about her options, or considering her options, or have already decided on an option when she tells you. You may have your own opinions about her pregnancy options, but it’s important that you allow her to explore and voice her thoughts and feelings, without outside influence or judgement.
And if you need some support in processing yourself, here are a few prompts to ask yourself (feel free to use these as journaling prompts and/or as preparation for a conversation with your loved one experiencing unexpected pregnancy):
- If you were in this situation, how would you like someone to respond?
- What are your thoughts about all of her options? How might those thoughts/feelings impact her making a pregnancy decision?
- What resources do you have to provide to the person? This could be through relationship (emotional support, a listening ear) or tangible resources (financial, ride to her doctor’s appointment).
Communicate your commitment to supporting her
It can be incredibly nerve-wracking to share with someone that you’re pregnant when you may not want to be. Thank her for sharing with you, and reiterate that you’re there for her no matter what. Communicate how you want to support her, not just that you will. Remind her that she is not defined by this moment and unexpected pregnancy. What would support actually look like?
Offer practical support
Offering help is huge. Ask to help with transportation to appointments, or help scheduling. Help her do research into the options she’s considering. Even if it’s not pregnancy related, offering to come help around the house, etc. can really make a difference. Think about what support might look like after a pregnancy decision too. How can you show up for her when she’s parenting, making an adoption decision, or ending a pregnancy?
Show up
At the end of the day, showing up for someone who is experiencing an unexpected pregnancy can be difficult. Take care of yourself and seek out your own support and village if you need to. You can always reach out to our team if you have questions or are looking for any support for yourself or anyone else.