Feeling Trapped? Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Change Your Lifestyle

It’s 10 pm on a Thursday, and I’m trying to rally my housemate for a night out on the town. I would have to wake up seven hours from now, but tonight’s makeup would provide an extra 20 minutes of sleep the next morning.

It was ladies' night, and street parking was free after 8 pm. We would leave our coats in the car, and run as fast as we could inside the club, wearing heels that would eventually cut off our circulation. Tucking our IDs and debit cards into our bra, we began the next four hours of pure recklessness and unregrettable fun. This was freedom…right?

Nine months into my marriage, I unexpectedly became pregnant. The first thought that popped into my head was “my life is over”. I felt trapped; like I was no longer able to do any of the same things I did before I peed on that stick.

That “two-year plan” that helped me feel in control, was completely tossed out the window like it had never existed. I googled “do married couples give their baby up for adoption?”, and “could my pregnancy test be inaccurate?” I wanted the option that gave me a way “out”.

If you are in this place now, and a pregnancy test has seemingly erased your freedom, I am here to tell you that it’s not as bad as you may think. My life did change, yes, but not for the worse. Here are three insights I have gained while wrestling through motherhood’s shift on my independence.

Getting out of the house was only hard for a season

When I became pregnant, I cycled through the feeling that I was “losing out” on what my life once was. The freedom, the independence, the responsibility-free lifestyle I had known for a short three years, was “gone”. Or at least I thought.

When my daughter was just two weeks old, I wanted a sense of what felt like normalcy again after being pregnant for the last ten months, so I decided to brave the world. I packed what I thought I needed in my freshly unpackaged diaper bag, put her in the car seat that I thought was good for ages newborn to 4 (it was not), and headed to a coffee shop that I figured would be acceptable for the first outing.

I pulled up to the shop just in time for her to be hungry, so I whipped out the boob and fed her in the front seat (don’t panic, I was parked!). After she was done, I grabbed the never-used ring sling from the back seat and attempted to secure her on my shoulder. I ordered my delicious espresso beverage and sat down to enjoy it.

I took her out of the sling, laid her on my thighs, and reached for my coffee…then, I heard it. That juicy squart. Then I smelled it. Then I felt it.

I lifted her little body up, looking down at my shit-covered romper, turned her over to see the poop all over her white onesie, and realized I was in for the longest 5 minutes of my life.

While I had expected the unexpecteds that come with being a first-time mom, I did not anticipate the feelings and emotions that would come with it. Sitting there in my blow-out-stained clothes, I burst into tears. Was this my life now?

I spent years and years dwelling on what could have been and what used to be. As a 90’s baby, our generation seems to have more of an aversion toward reproduction to avoid missing out on things or thinking that having a child drastically shifts life’s happenings.

While the first outing marked the beginning of a different season, now that my daughter is older, the season is changing again. We can take her to places we couldn’t have when she was a baby, but can’t take her to places we could have when she was a baby.

I can’t strap her to my body and go anywhere I want, but I can now buckle her into her own seat on an airplane. The navigation of circumstances is always changing, but it has always been navigable. It just took me a while to see that.

I changed… for the better

While yes, things are VERY different-- my body, alcohol tolerance, schedule, etc. But I didn’t lose anything. I gained a new adventure that I would never have had. I gained perspective, perseverance, and strength by entering a new season. I grew a human in my body, pushed it out of the same body, and survived. I gained the opportunity to continue my family legacy through her.

I’ve experienced ridiculous amounts of growth by becoming a parent, like learning how to be more patient and kinder. The list grows every day, and my mindset continues to shift alongside it. The only thing I “lost” was the time I wasted dwelling on a season of life that would have ultimately ended anyways.

With age comes maturity, and the inevitable outcome of growing older. Our hobbies change, our bodies change, our friends change, and we change. With that, the things we do and the life we live will change. The only difference is whether we enter into the season with kids or not. Having a baby didn’t take away my independence…

I did.

Motherhood didn’t stop me from doing the things I used to do. What started as a necessary pause on what I had been used to, turned into a surrender to new adventures and new things.

It took me a long time to take myself out of this mindset of missing out, and I found myself unintentionally putting something on my daughter that was an unfair weight on her innocent shoulders. I didn’t necessarily blame her for what my life had become but essentially blamed her existence for causing my life to change the way it had.

Having a child gave me a different kind of independence

I’ve met friends that I would have never met without kids. I’ve gone to museums and parks and kid-friendly events that I would have NEVER gone to, had I never given birth.

Maybe you’re reading this after unexpectedly seeing those two lines on the test, and you’ve entered the thought that your life is now over. Maybe you’re reading this because you’re longing for the type of freedom you had before kids. Or maybe, you’re under the impression that your lifestyle has to completely change once (or if) you have kids.

Wherever you are in life right now, I want you to understand something: As a very independent, stubborn, newly 30-year-old mom of a kindergartener, I can confidently tell you that having a child didn’t take away my independence. But it did change my lifestyle.

I still do all of the things I used to do. I still go to almost all of the places I used to go to (minus the club, cause I just—I can’t do it), I still travel, and I still watch PG-13 movies with chocolate and a glass of wine at night. It just looks different! I bring games and coloring books to the brewery, or I am proud to say that I am that mom who caves on the iPad on the plane ride. Just like learning how to do a new job, you learn how to adapt.

Now, let’s be real, there are definitely things I’ve had to say no to. I’ve had to cancel on things because my daughter is sick, or I clearly can’t bring her to the movie theaters to see Jackass. But there are babysitters, maybe grandparents, or other family and friends who are able and willing to give you that time every now and then. It’s a new independence; a different independence. But it still exists, even with kids.

Because I’m a straight shooter who has successfully pushed a 7lb human being out of my lady bits, I will tell you that having children will not steal the very innards of your being. While motherhood shifts things, and may slightly alter your five-year plan, it does not have the ability to determine who you are as a woman.

We can choose binge-watching Netflix after a long day of motherhood, or asking for help so a ladies' night out can take place. You have the power to shape what motherhood looks like for you. As Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a mother of two when she started law school said, "So often in life, things that you regard as an impediment turn out to be great, good fortune."