Cheyenne Erickson
Thinking of having an abortion? You aren’t alone. Maybe you were on birth control and still can't believe you're pregnant. Maybe you’re a mom who cannot imagine where another car seat would go and just wants to sleep for the first time in years. Whatever your situation is, you have real and valid reasons for why this pregnancy is challenging for you.
I wrestled through this decision myself. I can’t tell you whether you should pursue an abortion or not—there are too many factors to consider. But I can tell you a few things I learned from going through my decision-making process.
Need to make a pregnancy decision soon? Book a Clarity Call and get the clarity you need to move forward with confidence.
1. You are still you.
I disappointed myself so much by having an unplanned pregnancy. Unexpected pregnancies only happens to “those girls,” and that wasn’t who I was. But this stereotype was based on inaccurate information.
Remember about 45% of pregnancies in the United States are unintended pregnancies. You’re not alone in this experience and you didn’t stop being you when you became pregnant. So many women around you have gone through the same decision-making process and found purpose and fulfillment beyond this moment.
Pregnancy may change your plans. You may have a child in a season that you did not anticipate, or you may decide to add an abortion to your story. But this unexpected pregnancy doesn’t have to change who you are.
- You aren’t a failure.
- You have nothing to hide.
- You are capable.
- You are a problem solver.
- You are an overcomer.
- You are smart.
- You are beautiful
- You will make it through this.
2. You won’t make everyone happy.
When you’re faced with a pregnancy decision, you may quickly realize that everyone has a different opinion about what you should do.
Accept this fact now. It is not your job to make everyone happy with your decision.
In fact, some people may be really upset with you about your decision. I don’t know your partner or your family members, but I do know your support system can make this a great experience or a terrible one.
When I was processing my own pregnancy decision, I had to hold two ideas in tension: I needed to be wise about who I talked to about my pregnancy, and I needed a support system.
Accept this fact now. It is not your job to make everyone happy with your decision.
If you’re considering processing your decision with a friend, here are some tips to help you have a safe and productive conversation.
3. Decide what you believe about your pregnancy.
You may not be happy about your pregnancy, but take a moment to realize the wonder of what your body is doing. What you believe about what is happening inside of you will probably greatly determine whether you pursue an abortion.
What do you believe about a fetus? This is no longer a philosophical question for you. Suddenly, you have to decide what you believe about your pregnancy and how you will respond based on that belief.
You know your values and whether abortion fits into your journey better than anyone else. This is your body, your pregnancy, and ultimately your life. The only way you will have lasting confidence in your decision is if you act consistently with your own value system.
4. Good decisions are not made out of fear.
Fear, anger, and uncertainty can rule your emotions when experiencing an unwanted pregnancy—throw some pregnancy hormones in the mix, and you’ll likely feel out of control.
I never paused to label my emotions when I was making my decision, but in retrospect, I know fear was the driving force in my pregnancy decision. This prevented me from thinking critically about my options.
Process externally
Family or friends: You probably haven’t made many important life decisions on a whim or in the absence of outside perspective. Think of the people on your speed dial—the ones who you call right away when you have news. Have you told them about your pregnancy? Do you want them to be with you during this decision?
Medical or mental health professional: Talking to a medical professional or a therapist is also a good option because these individuals are looking out for your health and wellbeing. Medical professionals are not legally allowed to weigh in on your decision, so this may make them a safe sounding board.
She Might Clarity Coaching: If you want the best of both worlds, talking to a She Might Clarity Coach may be a great fit for you. She Might Clarity Coaches offer low-cost (or even free if you qualify) virtual coaching on your pregnancy decision. They'll offer a private space to talk about your concerns, thoughts, and desires, and help guide you through your options. Same-day appointments are available on most weekdays.
Process personally
Sit down and write out a list of everything you fear about becoming a mom, being pregnant, and having an abortion. There is power in naming what’s bothering you.
I would encourage you to sort through your thoughts and feelings and discover your “why.” Why do you feel the way you do about your pregnancy? What is driving you to make a certain decision? Pursuing an option in calm confidence has much better results than rushing to fix a problem.
We interviewed a therapist and compiled the questions she uses to help someone walk through a pregnancy decision for you in this pregnancy processing guide.
Download your Pregnancy Options Processing Worksheet Here.
The only way you will have lasting confidence in your decision is if you act consistently with your own value system.
5. Don’t get stuck in either/or thinking.
When I had my unexpected pregnancy, it felt like there were only two realities I could step into.
Either become a mom, get married, and become a stay-at-home with my child. Or have an abortion, hide it from my family, and break up with my partner.
Sounds a little dramatic, doesn’t it?
In retrospect, these weren’t my only options; I just naturally boxed myself into this either/or thinking. Either I had to give up all my plans, passions, and desires to have a baby, or I needed to terminate the pregnancy.
Fortunately, we don’t live in a world that is this simple. Every day, countless women prove that you can find a way to become a mom and still pursue your wellbeing and purpose. Your future may look different than you originally anticipated, but if you decide you’re okay with that reality, the possibilities are truly endless.
Consider these questions:
In a perfect world, what would happen next?
What obstacles are preventing you from doing the above?
What are some steps you could take to overcome these obstacles?
6. It’s okay to ask for support to achieve your goals.
You may be seeking an abortion, but due to the state where you live or your financial situation, there may be real barriers to accessing an abortion. Alternatively, you may be considering carrying your pregnancy to term, but there are real barriers to having a baby. In either situation, there are passionate people wanting to help you access the care you need.
I know it can be hard to ask for help. But think of it this way: if your best friend or sister was facing the challenges you’re facing, wouldn’t you contact every available resource for her? You need to treat yourself with at least that much respect.
You aren’t a failure for asking someone for support, accessing government benefits, or accepting non-profit services. Figuring out how to adapt to a new situation by taking advantage of opportunities means that you are wise and resourceful. These resources are there for when you find yourself in a pinch, and service providers are happy that you’re using them. When this season is over, you will be an overcomer, not a taker.
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You’ve got this!
Discerning whether or not abortion is in your best interest is not an easy process. Just remember this: only you can make this choice, but you don’t have to do it quickly immediately or in isolation. The fact that you are taking the time to read this shows that you are intentionally weighing your options.
I am now five years into my unexpected journey. With two kids and a full-time job, my story is still actively unfolding in ways I never anticipated. It's been crazy hard, but in the journey, I've refined my identity, overcome seemingly impossible obstacles, and reached for my purpose. And so will you.
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You are strong enough to face this. Your life has been punctuated by a pregnancy, but you are in control of the rest of the story.