I will never forget the two thoughts that commandeered my mind after finding out that I was pregnant: “Is my child going to be as screwed up as me?” and “Can I handle carrying and parenting a child?” As a recovered addict, with debilitating panic attacks, and who suffered from crippling depression symptoms — I didn't think I was cut out for parenting. I deliberated between continuing or terminating the pregnancy. 

Nine years after those thoughts, I was decertified as having a Serious Mental Illness (SMI) despite being told by professionals that it would be impossible. Twelve years after discovering I was pregnant, my son and I made a YouTube video talking about our emotional coping boxes to help others struggling with their mental health.

So, here is my answer to anyone who is wondering whether their mental health struggles disqualify them from parenthood: Your mental health condition can Benefit your child, and here is how.

Unfit to Parent vs. Challenged

I faced undiagnosed postnatal depression that left me with horrific nightmares, insomnia and many sobbing fits. I went through a divorce that left me in emotional turmoil. There were days where I bawled in my closet, grieving my pre-pregnancy life and days where my son threw more fits than both seasons of Honey Boo Boo —in an afternoon!

I’m going to tell you something that none of the InstaMoms and Pinterest Parents that you are comparing yourself to want you to know. Every parent loses their mind and it happens a lot more frequently than people want to admit.

The legal definition of an unfit parent is when the parent fails to provide proper guidance, care, or support or if there is abuse, neglect, or substance abuse issues. The fact that you are concerned about whether or not you will be a good parent is typically an indication that you have the desire and the drive to do so.

So long as you are getting the help and support that you need, it is rare for someone to be unfit to parent solely based on the symptoms of their mental health condition.

The Parenting Advantages Because of Your Condition

In fact, when your condition is managed in a healthy manner, there are several benefits that your child can reap.

• Empathy. A vast number of children with parents who have a mental illness have increased empathy and are reported to be kinder by those they interact with. They can develop resiliency, the ability to deal with difficult circumstances and these characteristics often have a positive impact on their relationships well into adulthood.
• Emotional Regulation Skills. Many parents get upset when children express emotions in a frustrating way or even try to encourage emotional repression because “big girls” or “real men” don’t cry. If your child grows up seeing how challenges like depression or anxiety are handled in an effective and healthy manner, they won’t find themselves overwhelmed by life’s struggles. They’ll also be less likely to pursue less healthy coping skills, such as substances and self-harm to manage their emotions.
• A Stronger Bond. Being vulnerable to another person by showing them our naturally occurring emotions cultivates an environment of trust and openness, two traits that are vital in any healthy relationship, including in the parent-child relationship. By showing your child that you also have emotions, you become someone they relate to and you’ll be more attuned to their psychological challenges, thus being able to guide them more effectively.

Will My Child Inherit My Condition?

Mental health conditions are not contagious, but some, like bipolar disorder, may have a genetic link. It’s also possible to pass on hereditary traits that put a child at a higher risk for a mental health disorder without passing on the specific disorder.

There are plenty of thriving families who live with varying mental health diagnoses. The factor that is more of a predictor of a child’s stability, even with a mental health condition, is environment.

Other factors that can protect your child’s mental well-being include: building their self-esteem, establishing a strong support system, a supportive and warm relationship with you, a financially stable household and interest in school.

An inconsistent or toxic home environment contributes significantly to a child’s risk. This can include things such as unstable income, hostile behavior (whether between adults or involving the child) and poor communication with your child

Fortunately, many of the best ways to mitigate these risks are things that fall in your aforementioned advantages such as an ability to articulate feelings and having strong emotional coping skills. Other factors that can protect your child’s health and mental well-being include: building their self-esteem, establishing a strong support system, a supportive and warm relationship with you, a financially stable household and interest in school.

As is often the case, nurture can do a lot to override nature.

Self Care As Part of Parenting

It is common for pregnant women to experience heightened stress, anxiety, and depression due to hormonal changes and the anticipation of caring for another human. Our instinct as a parent can be to deplete our own emotional buckets to make sure our childrens’ are full.

Unfortunately, this will lead to feeling stress, irritability, exhaustion, worsened symptoms of depression, unpredictable behavior and, in many cases, unhealthy coping mechanisms. All of these things significantly increase the risk factors your child is exposed to while reducing the protective ones.

As a parent with a mental health condition, there are three things that you need to manage:

• Your mental health condition
• Your stress levels
• The environment you and your child are in

Whether through medication, talk therapy, lifestyle changes (nutrition, physical fitness, hobbies, etc) or a combination of all of the above, you must be proactive in mitigating your symptoms. Learning how to effectively behave and communicate is imperative so that you are emulating positive behavior for your child.

A lifestyle change that is imperative to make even if you’re implementing the other methods is stress management. A stressful or highly disorganized environment or one that promotes constant distraction instead of mindfulness or connection (for either of you) exacerbates many symptoms of mental health disorders and thus puts your child at higher risk for mirroring your behavior.

You Are Capable

It might feel like you’re out at sea, helplessly being tossed around by aggressive rapids. But the truth is that you have more power than you realize to be the happiest version of yourself And the best possible parent because of your mental health condition, not despite it.